A little more waiting….

It’s going to take the return of DNA results to verify this family it seems. Totally get it. I do. It seems there is a little worry about sharing things with this adoptee stranger to possibly find out we are not related in the end. Worry of disappointment. I understand, who wants to feel like they exploited themselves without knowing? If they knew me though, they would know I wouldn’t judge anyways. But I understand, they don’t in fact know me. So, we wait until it’s safe to be excited about this. It was mentioned that a sibling wants to see a signed relinquishment paper. Problem there=sealed records are not going to provide that. Family courts don’t work like that to begin with much less when there is an adoption involved. They may be able to get some files if there was an attorney involved on their end, acting as the executor of estate or what have you. Perhaps some papers left in an attic somewhere. Not likely but you never know. Anything short of that, well, there is a reason it is called NON identifying information. If there are names to be found, I sure wouldn’t have access to them.

I’m not sure if we are still going to meet and tread lightly or just wait until the DNA is ready first. I don’t want to be pushy but I also don’t want to seem disinterested either. I’m not sure really how to be. I’ve looked for a long time. I feel a little lost right now but that is OK.

So I had recommended FTDNA to my brother. How long is that again? 6 plus weeks? Maybe I should have just told him ancestry and begged later for him to upload it to gedmatch for tools. At least the initial results wouldn’t take so long. My daughter’s FF took 2 + months. OH lawd! Now what? I guess I just go about my days and give this a rest for now. There is really nothing I can do to actively move this along. I am still looking for a photo of Mom. Can’t find one. I somehow feel that will seal the deal for me. Do I look like her? Maybe someday I will see a photo. Patience. I hope I live long enough to see her.

23andMe is usually the fastest but is a total pain in the neck in NY state. I didn’t want to put him through that. Instead, it seems I’ve put myself through ages of more waiting🙂

Since the siblings are of the same birth order and dates of birth as my non id and their mother died of the same cause of death at the same time as my mother in the same hospital —I’d say it’s pretty certain. If this is not my family then what? Did the non id just pick someone out of the newspaper obits and jot down those circumstances to me? Because I know there is no way in hell any two people would be born the same year and their husband the same year as stated in my non id and have these identical circumstances. Right down to the rumors they heard that coincides with my non id. We are dealing with a city not a parallel universe here.

I must say this is rather aggravating but such is life ….at times.

I’ve urged them all to sign up for the sibling reunion registry itself. Of course that could take years for a response. But at least it would be a paper type proof for them.

I’m not sure what to do at this point, other than wait…..more.


Hours on Phone

My sister and I talked for hours! Many things run in families. She said “Well you know apples don’t fall far from the tree they say.” I said “Yeah but I didn’t know any of the apples yet.” We laughed. Alike. It is amazing. My other sister is like this hippy girl —like most of my friends that I’ve made over the years. My brother is this fair laid back awesome dude. We all got “the hair” lol I can’t put into words what it feels like to have siblings. I’ve never even known cousins or anything growing up. There were no peers etc. This is amazing. We have not broke the news to the other 4 yet. But they told their immediate families and all their co workers who ran to my FB page and Deemed me the female Russell (My Bro) I can’t hardly believe it. I’m more like Cher probably but I seen my own eyes looking back at me with Cynthia.Wow. We want to meet and we are going to do DNA (they are) of course to confirm and just see it! There is a little wonder if I may be full siblings with one. We should be half though. I emailed with my brother’s wife and she is extremely polite and friendly. She is being very supportive and thinks this is really answering a lot of questions for her husband. Sounds like they have great spouses. My sister that I spent hours on the phone with (hope she made it to work on time) when asked what is respectful for me to say in reference to my mother, said “you say our MOM, your Mom. That is what she is.” Wow, talk about kindness. I didn’t want to come across as well you know, a Mom thief or something. She is my Mom. Our Mom. That is something just out of this world to me. And I really couldn’t have picked a better family. I have never in my life had such a connection. Even talking about flaws or health complaints —to connect like this is amazing. I’ve never laid eyes on anyone who looked like me or had basic things like me. It’s just so new to me. Understanding without completing a sentence. It HAS to be my family. i’ll be surprised if it’s not my family. It all fits in so perfect and makes so much sense. Good bad and in between. I can’t stop thinking about them. I hope the other 4 don’t hate me. But these 3 are great🙂 So my sister said that she got a new sister for her birthday!! And my dumb self is so foggy headed I didn’t say happy birthday. I suck. I didn’t catch it until I was off the phone. To be so excited like me. This is  good. Life is good.🙂

My youngest daughter is real excited as well. my other kids are happy for me but don’t seem as nutty as we are lol I hope that DNA hurries up. I wonder if he got his kit yet?🙂 The best part of all of this is I don’t have to just “wonder” anymore. There will always be some mysteries but now we can address them together..or not. Together. This is good. I’ve been saying that I wouldn’t pester that all I wanted was a little history and a photo and to put flowers on my mom’s grave. Well I’m still waiting on the photo but I got the totally awesome extra bonus that YES they want to actually meet. Acceptance-never had that before other than with my father that wasn’t my father. That set back we faced when thinking we were reunited but weren’t thanks to that old obsolete DNA test. He was awesome and really accepting and kind. I will never forget him. One can’t have regrets. Maybe the time wasn’t right and that was needed. Can’t revise history and that was part of it. So be it.

We are looking at possibly the end of May to get together. Now all I have to do is my hair nails round up some good clothes (they around here somewhere) Bleach teeth and lose at least 50 lbs. I can do this. I also have to work on getting rid of my limp. Drugs? i wonder what kind I shall need? lmao I’ve got half a month for gawd’s sake.

Oh and apparently we all rescue dogs and are creative. There is other things I’m sure. I see our slight differences too. But it’s almost like it’s the same basic traits. One can take the same talents and do quite different things with the same set of skills. For instance you can write novels or tell fascinating lies. Same thing presented differently. Whatever, it’s family. lol

Pep in my Hobbling Step

99.998% sure I just got off the phone with my Brother. He is not only going to do DNA but is going to get it himself. After I received my updated non id info it shed light on an old candidate for a mother who got put on a back burner due to marital and child differences. He has a great sense of humor and was like talking to FAMILY, It seems they had a lot of questions growing up that this discovery (ME) seems to answer.

Thanks to DNA and Melanie and Julia and my special cousin Taffey and Wendy and others,  I think we found them. I got off the phone knowing I had to correct my DNA tree a tad (still don’t think it’s right) I had great grands wrong on one line so didn’t get DNA HINTs but I had the 22 other DNA hints. But I went to the store. I blabbered to the cashier —he was very supportive. lol Poor fella. I have been having a few aches, pains and concerns lately but somehow there was a little pep in step on the way to my suv. I almost cried then I didn’t then I was a little mad about the time wasted—then happy—No, I think I will cry, nope ok. I talked to myself on the way to and from the store. I didn’t care. How dare they keep us all in the dark with our suspicions? Well my brother and I talked for hours. We laughed he said I sound like my sister including the things I say itself. They had mysteries and things they wondered about but never knew about me. When I told him I’ll try to spit it out quicker and spare him details he said “no tell everything–this is like too smooth as it is answering so many questions we had and blank periods of times and missing pieces.”  He was VERY interested. I couldn’t believe it as usually I have to hurry and sum things up not to bore people. OMG.

This is unbelievable and I can’t express my feelings completely because I don’t know them. Connection? Truth? I can’t believe this. i am so happy. I hope they send a photo of ….Our Mom? Is it Our MOM? I have stood alone my whole life other than my own kids and grandkids etc. Could it be? I’m not alone? I think I may be happy. I’m scared a little too. i hope I’m not too fat or ugly or old or TOO anything. I hope I’m enough. This is wild. I hope it’s true.

It seems I am not “that damn baby” after all. My siblings  didn’t know and it looks like my maternal grand parents may not have either.

So I’m going to make some coffee and do a little of this and that. And see if they got my email yet🙂

Updated New or Different Non ID/ Memories through DNA

Mother born abt 1934
“legal” father born abt 1930
Brothers 1953
Sisters 1958

Me 1966

and on the run with Mom. She left and changed her name. Got sick and left me with neighbors then died at the hospital Upstate Medical Center before Jan 19 1967 when I was handed over to social services (not sure location)

I recently read a few articles one of which was this one Almost hocus pocus except it’s not.

When reading my new non id info it was easier to read between the lines than the lines themselves. Not quite the same as the first non id I got. No longer looking for 4 siblings am I. I am not the youngest of 4 –well, I do have 4 half sibs but there are more. Mom had 7 children with my “legal” father. She was still married technically even though she left with me (or i came later) and she changed her name. We almost made it, Mom.🙂 After she died of a different cause than previously told to me, the neighbors handed me over to the state. For some reason DSS thought I was bi racial so it took some time for me to be placed (they had to see what color I turned into) It is said that my foster mother wanted to keep me but they didn’t let her. (I believe this as I seem to have wanted to return to her) She didn’t seem to care what race I was. Maybe the neighbors who babysat me were black? Maybe abusive Legal Father said I was half black? Who knows. My mother had strawberry blonde Hair like me—not Brown hair. They maintain the English/German thing. The seven siblings were living with the “legal” father’s parents. He signed me away in August 1967. 2 days before I met my new parents in 1968 it was said that I was pretty with blonde curly hair, fair coloring,  and blue eyes. I was quite responsive and very happy child.

One of the 1934-1967 NY women looked at had 7 kids and lived in Seneca NY. I wonder now as this woman didn’t seem to have a lot of info available. This would be true of my mother as well.

I’m so glad I never approached my bio dad’s family. I need to know what happened to my mother first. Something is not jiving although this new info makes more sense. The youngest of the children with “legal” father was 5 when I was born. I don’t know if they knew of me or not. The teen aged boys should have lord only knows what they were told much less what they believed. It’s said she left because of the stress of raising a large family and the “pressure to seek mental Health treatment” —-sounds like the old “I’ll have you committed” if this or that threat to me. “There was also the suggestion that there was domestic violence.” —–Ya think? Anyhow this was 1960 so it was probably sugar coated. Ok so he run her off. The suspected “legal” dad died 10 years after. If he remarried I’m sure there was domestic violence there too. The youngest of my siblings would still have been 16 when he died. Hopefully the grandparents were still alive to help him though. Of course I still don’t know who Mom and “legal” father was. More needs to be done to determine this for sure.

We are up to 10 half siblings now. Unless the mystery Shirley Reed was my mother. Then that would solve most the puzzle–it isn’t likely it is her. She would be the only other possibility using DNA and following the x while paying attention to haplogroup using a female  2nd cousin match.

I do wish Gedmatch was online though as I really need to look at my admixure one more time —Closer! Where DOES this talk of Biracial come in? I can only guess. My hair was curly but not kinky like it is now. I know my black friends and co workers always said that they thought I was black lol. My DNA shows quite European. Biracial can mean anything though not just Black and White.

I don’t know really how I feel. I felt anger almost at first. Now I feel like my mother needs an advocate or something. I’ve often felt we were on the run, now this sort of suggests it.

Page 1 of New Non ID

Page 1 of New Non ID

Page 2 New Non ID

Page 2 New Non ID

The search continues…

Well to punish me for my bug report FTDNA made as though my daughters kit was never ready and not only were the 4 little matches gone but it was put back in a delayed status with a date of 5-13-15. Luckily they were ready today. Advanced matching is still messed up but at least the matches are there. While her report was still “on order” Someone found her on chromosome 16 on gedmatch. She shares the same spot with others for this woman. I’m thinking it’s a bout cracked which means many people’s brick walls will be plowed through thanks to this adoptee’s daughter🙂 Well, thanks to her DNA. Funny thing is the mrca looks to be from NC or GA. Pretty cool stuff here. This match is on her Dad’s side. I’m not sure if it’s his Gibbs or his Jack-Tahkoney side. Even though both his mother’s parents were BB (full blood) Creek—it is always possible one of their ancestors mingled with some European and then they with another European and so on. What was interesting is there are these White haired Davis twins. Well they are my matches. They are my daughter’s too BUT they also match my child’s match on her father’s side. Boy, those Davises! lol What’s more is that it may actually be a Davis that connects my daughter to her relative on her Dad’s side. I got a history lesson out of this and got to see Dillie Jack not only on the Dawes Rolls but in the census.

I heard from a mtDNA match and although she lives in Ireland, the list of maiden names she gave me seem to line up in my research quite well. In fact there is a family we were looking at in Upstate NY that may be part of that line. We lack one surname from this puzzle though.  One of my candidates for a mother seems to lead me to believe she is not my branch but yet I’m related to her family. I get 6 DNA hints when I attach to her. It’s strange though, the spouses’ ancestors of 4th great uncles seem to match better. I’ve worded that wrong but it’s as though it’s the right family but not blood. Names that I’ve seen over and over on FTDNA but have no known connection to seem to appear as the spouse of some of these people that I’ve attached my DNA to. I wouldn’t be surprised if I am not the daughter of this person but a 4th cousin to her quite by accident lol We are close but I can’t help but wonder if my parent was adopted. Or even adopted by a family member by marriage and under that paperwork. I told the lady that has been helping me “I hope I wasn’t part of the forced adoptions in Ireland” She said well your non id says Protestant—I couldn’t help but say “Catholics and Protestants look a lot alike” lol I don’t trust my non id that much. My adopted parents were protestant. So DSS may just come up with a “protestant” child for them.

The social worker type woman thing told me that my updated non id was 3rd down on her desk. That was forever ago. I have no idea when or if I am going to get this. I don’t know what info is going to be in there. Same stuff, more or something different. Am I waiting so long because she wants to be helpful and put as much as possible? Or is it so long because she is hoping i’ll forget or just go away? Is she carefully constructing some more lies in hopes of hindering? I don’t know. I still don’t know why my once “matched” mother decided to call me 13 years later and say “There has been a mistake” What prompted that? Some change of heart or was her agreement up? Or was her daughter located? Or did she know something all along? I have no idea how to take that. It did seem odd she called after my Adad died. She waited till my aunt uncle and both a-parents were gone to make that call. I may never know why she doesn’t seem interested in finding her real daughter now. I’ve sent her every link I could find to candidates. I don’t think she clicked🙂 Maybe she didn’t need to. I know I didn’t skip a beat in my search though. I wasted 13 years thinking I was reunited. Thinking, Gee, I look nothing like my own blood lol Well, Gee, maybe because I wasn’t their blood. Silly me.

I have 8 0 distant mtDNA matches. 5 have also done FF tests on FTDNA and did NOT match me. 3 have not. I of the 3 i think may be dead. i wonder if the other 2 did an autosomal test elsewhere? If they haven’t then there is still hope🙂 Maybe they will. Or maybe they have and are private and will suddenly unblock the world. I can dream.

My DNA guy is on vacation again. I sure hope he comes back soon. I’m patient. I wish I could just rent him a little room in the basement or something. It would be nice. Well, for me lmao. I could install a huge gerbil wheel for him for a little exercise once in a while. A little sunlight through the basement window would provide him enough vitamin D to stay healthy enough to work on my tree. If he gets the job done quick enough he can eat a hot meal in no time at all. Time will simply fly by it will. Ah well, enough fantasy.

All in Due time.

More than little Pink and Blue people

FTDNA is having huge problems. I lost all my matches–did a bug report and got them back half a day later. Later that night, my daughters matches disappeared. She had all her new matches for a few days including me. However she has yet to appear in my matches. Now this. To top it all off, I got an email a few minutes ago announcing my new matches on FTDNA. I get there and not only are there no new matches since the 22nd but my daughter’s matches are still missing. My project updates when clicked on say “Houston there’s a problem” or something or other. Seems like they fix one thing and another breaks. I can’t do a bug report for my kit with the missing matches because it uses the same email as the one that they fixed. It comes back as “closed” due to this. I like FTDNA’s straight forward tools and want to recommend them so their database grows. Between them being so slow and having these problems it’s hard to refer anyone to them right now. My matches are more than little pink and blue people to collect on a tree. They are clues to my past-my heritage. I messaged their facebook page as that is where they urged us all to send in bug reports. My mtDNA came in earlier than what they delayed it too. As I figured, my 0 distance matches either don’t match me on FF or haven’t done the FF. It’s Ok as I know that there are 3 people who are my haplogroup U5b2c2b from Ireland and Poland. FTDNA only reports the u5b2c2 but James Lick has the more current U5B2C2b. I never seem to get any new 4th or closer matches on ancestry or 23andme.

I’m waiting on snail mail concerning my “updated” non id. My DNA expert guy is out of town and hopefully will return soon to work on my mother’s side. He has come up with the same candidates for my birth father and an additional one for a mother. If It’s J then he had 2 woman pregnant at the same time. I was born 4 months before his daughter with another woman. He is the most likely. He has 3 kids by other women. His brother (B) was married and had 3 children to the same woman all those years. He is less likely. There is a slight chance that I am the daughter of these brother’s Maternal 1st cousin (S). She is the least likely but only because of location and the lack of info. We have to follow the X here so those are the 3. Either one of those brother’s would give me 3 half siblings and 3 1st cousins. That is IF they aren’t adopted. There is another possibility and that is if their mother had put a mystery child up for adoption unknown to anyone. I have given it a lot of thought and have decided there really is no good way to contact them. One wife is still living and the other (J) we don’t know although I know they were separated when he died. I know it could possibly help to nail this birth father down but then again not really. A guy can get anyone pregnant anywhere. If they weren’t an “item” and it sounds like they weren’t, then who would know? Also, it could be some other circumstance. I don’t see any point in bothering the sibs/1st cousins from this side. I’m focused on my mother and the 4 sibs from her side. There is an Aunt (J and B’s sister) who could possibly know but she could also spread the word and slam the door so to speak in my face rather quickly.  Knowing it’s one of the 3 mentioned is enough for now. Perhaps one day I’ll offer to buy a kit for one of the birth father’s kids but I need to know what happened to my mother first. Without knowing this it could be a nightmare for all involved. The “What ifs” can drive one mad here. Just now as I write this I’m thinking of an entirely different possibility and it involves an unknown Helen–spouse of the least likely candidate’s father. This could be vital as I am looking at a few Helens on my dna trees. These are the things I need answered before I approach anyone. I’m making progress though. Lots of set backs but I’m getting there. No matter what candidate is the one, I now know that I have a few more siblings than just the 4🙂

I named this little art diary doodle “I Exist.” Believe it or not, I do as did my mother despite any denial.

Doodle in my little Art Diary. I mod podged it to death and then edited in picasa to make up for it :-)

Doodle in my little Art Diary. I mod podged it to death and then edited in picasa to make up for it🙂

A Trip down Memory Freakin’ Lane. 1

I’m not finding any real answers today. so I did a little reminiscing. For some odd reason, I’m remembering more than  I want to. Somehow. I’m not one to dwell. I was taught many things  growing up. I was taught to keep outsiders out. I was taught if something ever went wrong or I got into trouble of any kind, no matter what I said, never tell them I’m adopted or they will blame everything on that. I was almost drilled on some points. I was told “Now here is what you’ll say…”  I was taught to have no interest in my natural family that my adopted parents were my real parents, after all, my mother didn’t “just spread her legs” to have me. I was taught to always be grateful and to know how lucky I got it. No matter what happens in life, I have no right to complain as “”it could always be worse.”

“Today is the big day” the social worker? said to me in a vehicle. We had just left a big place with weird counters and aisle-like things. Sorry, I was rather short at the age of 18 months. I’m not sure but I think she said something about “this time you won’t be coming back and to not worry, it is OK.” I think she told me to be polite. I remember the kitchen and the couple in there. The social  worker (if that is who she was) talked a while in the kitchen  with them.  For some reason, I thought I was leaving with her again  despite her saying  what she did earlier. Kids are weird like that. She told them not to call me any name at first so as not to confuse me. She asked if they had picked one out.   I remember for fact her saying ” Soon she will have no memories at all.” She told them that they try not to send old toys as it tends to make children linger in old ways and lives. She said “she is young enough that this shouldn’t be a problem.” There was always a lot of whispering going on around me, pointing, smiling, “aweing” and the words “she” “her” “herself” were used. A lot. I was quite the item. Item. I remember that day but not one damn day before them. I grew to resent this woman because she turned out to be right, soon there were no memories at all. I tried to run after her when her leg slipped through the screen door before slamming shut. I was with the new couple. My adopted father said, “You are Susie now.” My mother said “Bill, she said not to yet.” He answered “Well Lucy Susie, sounds the same right? It’s close enough isn’t it, Susie? Lucy, what a name, Jesus.” My new mother said something about my clothes and how they were “Niiice clothes” but we are going to dress you right now. She bathed me and undid my hair and griped about it somehow.  I was Susie now. Story goes the back of my head was bald and Amom said it was from tying it up too tight. She baby oiled the back of my head due to some advice from the doctor or something. Dr Root. I remember him. I went to see him a lot before he retired. Then it was Dr Levy. I had roseolla on my face and “nervous bowels” . I used to call my Adad Bull as I always heard my Amom calling for him. I liked my Uncle.  My mother’s sister’s husband. He came over and acted silly bringing me new red sneakers. I liked him and them. They weren’t those patent leather things I had to sport all the time with my new parents. They were quite cool red sneakers. I called him Wa. That was his name. I can name folks too right? Isn’t that how life goes? New names for everyone. I liked the paper boy as I just knew that he new my way home. I used to call him Johnny even though that wasn’t his name. He was nice to me but my new parents apologized to him for me bothering him. He said it was alright but they hid me when he came to collect just the same. I knew I was looking for two boys who names sounded like Johnny and David. I often wonder if they were foster siblings. Maybe they were siblings. I have to say “sounded like” because who knows with such a child who didn’t speak clearly. I must not have, as my Aparents didn’t seem to understand a thing I said for quite some time. I had lots of dreams of places and things. I used to cry when I watched certain movies or shows. I loved heidi but would cry cause she left the farm. My Aparents got a regular kick out of that. “Tell them how you cried when Heidi left the farm, Susie. Oh GOD did she carry on. Hahaha, she was really going on about it. Right Susie? Fresh kid you. hahahaha.”  Yeah, hahahahaha. I was such a great source of entertainment. I was like a little weird science project. Or perhaps a social experiment gone wrong. Hahahahaha.