Break Time….

I need a little break.

I am to the point that I hesitate to even post on DNA groups because I have to ask myself “What am I even asking?” The answer is Everything. I do read and try to study. The old brain doesn’t comprehend the way I want it to. Part of it is, when I’m online, I’m also cooking, telling small child to get off the dog, getting clothes ready etc etc etc. That is not going to change anytime soon. My concentration and focus will, I hope and soon. 🙂 I know more than I did yesterday but not much when it comes to DNA. I did a segment search on GEDmatch and thought it was just the neatest thing, except I had no idea how to save or analyze the report. I noted who matched on what chromosome then got confused as too how many chromosomes they matched on and how much they matched on each one. I was looking for patterns. I took a look at haplogroups and found some other U5 s. Yeah, I confused myself. I’m doing stuff over my head right now.

When I get like that I go back. it seems logical to just go back to the beginning and try to put things into proportion. My second cousin is going to help after the holidays. She doesn’t want to wreck anyone’s life with the knowledge of my existence. Not being funny here, it’s just the way it is. I know that we share a common great grandparent. Or two g grandparents? I wonder if we only share one grandparent if that would change things? It seems someone perhaps stepped out/cheated. Or did something out of wedlock. Which means we don’t share a set of anything. We are in the same generation. See how my thought process is (lacking)??? So I’m wondering since we are a 204.4 or so cM (ftdna stopped rounding things off) If we are connected by one grandparent and not 2 great grandparents. Can’t get my head around that.

I also did a myorigins search on ftdna while I waited for other matches to appear, my ancestry to post, and my geno 2.0 to transfer. I seen two 2nd – 4th cousins that matched my origins perfectly. On this page you don’t see profiles just their photos and their relationship to you. So, I went back to look for them within my matches so I could look at their trees and read their profile for surnames etc. Ah, they were not there. I went back and re read the origins and the drop down did show them as my matches. For some reason, these two only shared their origins information and not anything else. The myorigins even puts them on the map. They were both in NY, some other state, and in Scandinavia. FTDNA didn’t answer my email nor could find any info on this. It left me wondering how many matches we have that we simply don’t see because of their privacy settings. One I googled and she is into genealogy. It seems she would want to find matches, but maybe that is not the focus of her study. I know there are plenty of people just wanting to know certain things about their DNA and not necessarily wanting to know….people.  No alive new people will be added to their tree lol Perhaps when I die they may add me as an unattached person. A shrub, sapling or sucker to their mighty oak 😉

The geno 2.0 transfer.

I’m not certain what they are transferring since I’ve found out that test is different and wont show up for haplogroup projects. They accepted me to the U5 project but my data won’t post for them because of the testing being different. Great. Kind of defeats the purpose. I had no idea or I would have just got the full mtDNA on Ftdna. I thought because of them being the lab that handled genographic and they did the transfer it covered that. So my haplogoup won’t be searchable/viewable to the project. I was hoping to join a project to find matches within it. I joined anyways and might upgrade someday but not anytime soon. I can’t spare a dime right now. Thanks, Santa lol

I’m learning this all very slowly. I think I’m about to find my birth father. I’m wanting to know who my birth mother was. My online life goes like this–check for new matches on gedmatch, curl my lip a little, play with some tier 1 tools that I don’t understand, (I did understand the family tree projection one and it really helped my brain -but not my eyes following all those lines of possibilities), go to ftdna and hope for new matches, lip curl again, check stupid geno 2.0 transfer, check dnaancestry get mad and rant about hiring more people and working them more hours, look at hints for my pretend tree on ancestry. Find mistakes in other people’s trees and wonder if they want to know lol —compare trees and then I end with at least 30 surnames to put in front of 1933-1967, 1934-1967,1933-1966,1934-1966,1935-1967,1935-1966, then bookmark them all until I have more things to link them to……

My search Angels have all but passed out. I have two. They work in different ways and I try to let them know what the other is doing. One is not a search angel really, she works data bases sort of. The other is more of a genealogist that is learning DNA as well. Me, I’m all over the place but I feel that is needed sometimes. There are tried and true methods in searching, but in my case, they haven’t worked. Both of these people feel that non id info is correct for the most part. I’ve heard that it’s way off a lot of times by reunited adoptees. I question if they are actually reunited with the right person because of my own “match” 14 years ago. I don’t know, but I do know one or two years difference in age or dates can be huge. I know that I have no matches anywhere near Syracuse. A few that may have wondered through though.

I found a woman who had surnames of my matches in her family–she died in 1977 though and her son died in 67 of sepsis – not her. Can I rule her out? Not likely at this point anyways. She was 32 in 1966. There are other people like that with no kids listed but on the grave stone it says “Mother” …yeah. I don’t know what to look for with that because I have found Find a Grave memorials that show where they had 4 or more still births. Are those my “siblings”? Don’t know. Not enough information….ever…

It’s break time or time to break.

I quit a lot of search and reunion groups. Some because I really can’t take some of the cat fights. Some because of the people that expect …..everything. I’d be happy with a name and photo. I really would. I simply do just want to know. I’d be thrilled if there was an alive sibling who wanted to meet, but I would not DEMAND it, nor would I Whine if that isn’t possible. I quit one that just seemed like a huge clique. I’m at the stage in life that I find it hard to welcome negativity with opened arms. I quit some because I was simply on a roll with quitting groups that were non active, people griping or full of spam. I quit one that ignored the hell out of me lol (I kept the friends that I made on there though) I stayed in 2 that actually seem to be keeping up on spam and hate.

Some of the groups have members that think because my mother is supposedly dead that I am not a real adoptee. They feel that because my search isn’t mutual that it’s ridiculous. I do admit that at times, I think they are the ones that are ridiculous….them, with their names and locations and exact dates and their maps to the front doors of their family that scream and post after an hour of searching of how remarkable it was to “find” them. Then their screaming and demanding that they be welcomed and etc etc. Sometimes I want to cyber yell at them “You,you,you NAME PERSON!” lol In all seriousness, I don’t feel this way often or for a long time, but when I’m treated as the one that Actually doesn’t have the right to know, I do feel this way. I’ve had enough people in my life feel that I’m undeserving of anything at all ever, I don’t need to take it from fellow adoptees…or fellow anythings. I don’t dish it out, I don’t want to take it.

Break time…

Right after I check on a few more things. Really, just a few more things.

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2 thoughts on “Break Time….

  1. This DNA stuff can really be overwhelming. It sounds like you’ve learned quite a bit, though! Taking a break every once in a while can keep us from feeling totally crazy 🙂 As always, my fingers are crossed for you!

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