Pep in my Hobbling Step

99.998% sure I just got off the phone with my Brother. He is not only going to do DNA but is going to get it himself. After I received my updated non id info it shed light on an old candidate for a mother who got put on a back burner due to marital and child differences. He has a great sense of humor and was like talking to FAMILY, It seems they had a lot of questions growing up that this discovery (ME) seems to answer.

Thanks to DNA and Melanie and Julia and my special cousin Taffey and Wendy and others,  I think we found them. I got off the phone knowing I had to correct my DNA tree a tad (still don’t think it’s right) I had great grands wrong on one line so didn’t get DNA HINTs but I had the 22 other DNA hints. But I went to the store. I blabbered to the cashier —he was very supportive. lol Poor fella. I have been having a few aches, pains and concerns lately but somehow there was a little pep in step on the way to my suv. I almost cried then I didn’t then I was a little mad about the time wasted—then happy—No, I think I will cry, nope ok. I talked to myself on the way to and from the store. I didn’t care. How dare they keep us all in the dark with our suspicions? Well my brother and I talked for hours. We laughed he said I sound like my sister including the things I say itself. They had mysteries and things they wondered about but never knew about me. When I told him I’ll try to spit it out quicker and spare him details he said “no tell everything–this is like too smooth as it is answering so many questions we had and blank periods of times and missing pieces.”  He was VERY interested. I couldn’t believe it as usually I have to hurry and sum things up not to bore people. OMG.

This is unbelievable and I can’t express my feelings completely because I don’t know them. Connection? Truth? I can’t believe this. i am so happy. I hope they send a photo of ….Our Mom? Is it Our MOM? I have stood alone my whole life other than my own kids and grandkids etc. Could it be? I’m not alone? I think I may be happy. I’m scared a little too. i hope I’m not too fat or ugly or old or TOO anything. I hope I’m enough. This is wild. I hope it’s true.

It seems I am not “that damn baby” after all. My siblings  didn’t know and it looks like my maternal grand parents may not have either.

So I’m going to make some coffee and do a little of this and that. And see if they got my email yet 🙂

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Updated New or Different Non ID/ Memories through DNA

Mother born abt 1934
“legal” father born abt 1930
Brothers 1953
1955
1956
1962
Sisters 1958
1960

Me 1966

and on the run with Mom. She left and changed her name. Got sick and left me with neighbors then died at the hospital Upstate Medical Center before Jan 19 1967 when I was handed over to social services (not sure location)

I recently read a few articles one of which was this one Almost hocus pocus except it’s not.

When reading my new non id info it was easier to read between the lines than the lines themselves. Not quite the same as the first non id I got. No longer looking for 4 siblings am I. I am not the youngest of 4 –well, I do have 4 half sibs but there are more. Mom had 7 children with my “legal” father. She was still married technically even though she left with me (or i came later) and she changed her name. We almost made it, Mom. 🙂 After she died of a different cause than previously told to me, the neighbors handed me over to the state. For some reason DSS thought I was bi racial so it took some time for me to be placed (they had to see what color I turned into) It is said that my foster mother wanted to keep me but they didn’t let her. (I believe this as I seem to have wanted to return to her) She didn’t seem to care what race I was. Maybe the neighbors who babysat me were black? Maybe abusive Legal Father said I was half black? Who knows. My mother had strawberry blonde Hair like me—not Brown hair. They maintain the English/German thing. The seven siblings were living with the “legal” father’s parents. He signed me away in August 1967. 2 days before I met my new parents in 1968 it was said that I was pretty with blonde curly hair, fair coloring,  and blue eyes. I was quite responsive and very happy child.

One of the 1934-1967 NY women looked at had 7 kids and lived in Seneca NY. I wonder now as this woman didn’t seem to have a lot of info available. This would be true of my mother as well.

I’m so glad I never approached my bio dad’s family. I need to know what happened to my mother first. Something is not jiving although this new info makes more sense. The youngest of the children with “legal” father was 5 when I was born. I don’t know if they knew of me or not. The teen aged boys should have lord only knows what they were told much less what they believed. It’s said she left because of the stress of raising a large family and the “pressure to seek mental Health treatment” —-sounds like the old “I’ll have you committed” if this or that threat to me. “There was also the suggestion that there was domestic violence.” —–Ya think? Anyhow this was 1960 so it was probably sugar coated. Ok so he run her off. The suspected “legal” dad died 10 years after. If he remarried I’m sure there was domestic violence there too. The youngest of my siblings would still have been 16 when he died. Hopefully the grandparents were still alive to help him though. Of course I still don’t know who Mom and “legal” father was. More needs to be done to determine this for sure.

We are up to 10 half siblings now. Unless the mystery Shirley Reed was my mother. Then that would solve most the puzzle–it isn’t likely it is her. She would be the only other possibility using DNA and following the x while paying attention to haplogroup using a female  2nd cousin match.

I do wish Gedmatch was online though as I really need to look at my admixure one more time —Closer! Where DOES this talk of Biracial come in? I can only guess. My hair was curly but not kinky like it is now. I know my black friends and co workers always said that they thought I was black lol. My DNA shows quite European. Biracial can mean anything though not just Black and White.

I don’t know really how I feel. I felt anger almost at first. Now I feel like my mother needs an advocate or something. I’ve often felt we were on the run, now this sort of suggests it.

Page 1 of New Non ID

Page 1 of New Non ID

Page 2 New Non ID

Page 2 New Non ID

The search continues…

Well to punish me for my bug report FTDNA made as though my daughters kit was never ready and not only were the 4 little matches gone but it was put back in a delayed status with a date of 5-13-15. Luckily they were ready today. Advanced matching is still messed up but at least the matches are there. While her report was still “on order” Someone found her on chromosome 16 on gedmatch. She shares the same spot with others for this woman. I’m thinking it’s a bout cracked which means many people’s brick walls will be plowed through thanks to this adoptee’s daughter 🙂 Well, thanks to her DNA. Funny thing is the mrca looks to be from NC or GA. Pretty cool stuff here. This match is on her Dad’s side. I’m not sure if it’s his Gibbs or his Jack-Tahkoney side. Even though both his mother’s parents were BB (full blood) Creek—it is always possible one of their ancestors mingled with some European and then they with another European and so on. What was interesting is there are these White haired Davis twins. Well they are my matches. They are my daughter’s too BUT they also match my child’s match on her father’s side. Boy, those Davises! lol What’s more is that it may actually be a Davis that connects my daughter to her relative on her Dad’s side. I got a history lesson out of this and got to see Dillie Jack not only on the Dawes Rolls but in the census.

I heard from a mtDNA match and although she lives in Ireland, the list of maiden names she gave me seem to line up in my research quite well. In fact there is a family we were looking at in Upstate NY that may be part of that line. We lack one surname from this puzzle though.  One of my candidates for a mother seems to lead me to believe she is not my branch but yet I’m related to her family. I get 6 DNA hints when I attach to her. It’s strange though, the spouses’ ancestors of 4th great uncles seem to match better. I’ve worded that wrong but it’s as though it’s the right family but not blood. Names that I’ve seen over and over on FTDNA but have no known connection to seem to appear as the spouse of some of these people that I’ve attached my DNA to. I wouldn’t be surprised if I am not the daughter of this person but a 4th cousin to her quite by accident lol We are close but I can’t help but wonder if my parent was adopted. Or even adopted by a family member by marriage and under that paperwork. I told the lady that has been helping me “I hope I wasn’t part of the forced adoptions in Ireland” She said well your non id says Protestant—I couldn’t help but say “Catholics and Protestants look a lot alike” lol I don’t trust my non id that much. My adopted parents were protestant. So DSS may just come up with a “protestant” child for them.

The social worker type woman thing told me that my updated non id was 3rd down on her desk. That was forever ago. I have no idea when or if I am going to get this. I don’t know what info is going to be in there. Same stuff, more or something different. Am I waiting so long because she wants to be helpful and put as much as possible? Or is it so long because she is hoping i’ll forget or just go away? Is she carefully constructing some more lies in hopes of hindering? I don’t know. I still don’t know why my once “matched” mother decided to call me 13 years later and say “There has been a mistake” What prompted that? Some change of heart or was her agreement up? Or was her daughter located? Or did she know something all along? I have no idea how to take that. It did seem odd she called after my Adad died. She waited till my aunt uncle and both a-parents were gone to make that call. I may never know why she doesn’t seem interested in finding her real daughter now. I’ve sent her every link I could find to candidates. I don’t think she clicked 🙂 Maybe she didn’t need to. I know I didn’t skip a beat in my search though. I wasted 13 years thinking I was reunited. Thinking, Gee, I look nothing like my own blood lol Well, Gee, maybe because I wasn’t their blood. Silly me.

I have 8 0 distant mtDNA matches. 5 have also done FF tests on FTDNA and did NOT match me. 3 have not. I of the 3 i think may be dead. i wonder if the other 2 did an autosomal test elsewhere? If they haven’t then there is still hope 🙂 Maybe they will. Or maybe they have and are private and will suddenly unblock the world. I can dream.

My DNA guy is on vacation again. I sure hope he comes back soon. I’m patient. I wish I could just rent him a little room in the basement or something. It would be nice. Well, for me lmao. I could install a huge gerbil wheel for him for a little exercise once in a while. A little sunlight through the basement window would provide him enough vitamin D to stay healthy enough to work on my tree. If he gets the job done quick enough he can eat a hot meal in no time at all. Time will simply fly by it will. Ah well, enough fantasy.

All in Due time.

More than little Pink and Blue people

FTDNA is having huge problems. I lost all my matches–did a bug report and got them back half a day later. Later that night, my daughters matches disappeared. She had all her new matches for a few days including me. However she has yet to appear in my matches. Now this. To top it all off, I got an email a few minutes ago announcing my new matches on FTDNA. I get there and not only are there no new matches since the 22nd but my daughter’s matches are still missing. My project updates when clicked on say “Houston there’s a problem” or something or other. Seems like they fix one thing and another breaks. I can’t do a bug report for my kit with the missing matches because it uses the same email as the one that they fixed. It comes back as “closed” due to this. I like FTDNA’s straight forward tools and want to recommend them so their database grows. Between them being so slow and having these problems it’s hard to refer anyone to them right now. My matches are more than little pink and blue people to collect on a tree. They are clues to my past-my heritage. I messaged their facebook page as that is where they urged us all to send in bug reports. My mtDNA came in earlier than what they delayed it too. As I figured, my 0 distance matches either don’t match me on FF or haven’t done the FF. It’s Ok as I know that there are 3 people who are my haplogroup U5b2c2b from Ireland and Poland. FTDNA only reports the u5b2c2 but James Lick has the more current U5B2C2b. I never seem to get any new 4th or closer matches on ancestry or 23andme.

I’m waiting on snail mail concerning my “updated” non id. My DNA expert guy is out of town and hopefully will return soon to work on my mother’s side. He has come up with the same candidates for my birth father and an additional one for a mother. If It’s J then he had 2 woman pregnant at the same time. I was born 4 months before his daughter with another woman. He is the most likely. He has 3 kids by other women. His brother (B) was married and had 3 children to the same woman all those years. He is less likely. There is a slight chance that I am the daughter of these brother’s Maternal 1st cousin (S). She is the least likely but only because of location and the lack of info. We have to follow the X here so those are the 3. Either one of those brother’s would give me 3 half siblings and 3 1st cousins. That is IF they aren’t adopted. There is another possibility and that is if their mother had put a mystery child up for adoption unknown to anyone. I have given it a lot of thought and have decided there really is no good way to contact them. One wife is still living and the other (J) we don’t know although I know they were separated when he died. I know it could possibly help to nail this birth father down but then again not really. A guy can get anyone pregnant anywhere. If they weren’t an “item” and it sounds like they weren’t, then who would know? Also, it could be some other circumstance. I don’t see any point in bothering the sibs/1st cousins from this side. I’m focused on my mother and the 4 sibs from her side. There is an Aunt (J and B’s sister) who could possibly know but she could also spread the word and slam the door so to speak in my face rather quickly.  Knowing it’s one of the 3 mentioned is enough for now. Perhaps one day I’ll offer to buy a kit for one of the birth father’s kids but I need to know what happened to my mother first. Without knowing this it could be a nightmare for all involved. The “What ifs” can drive one mad here. Just now as I write this I’m thinking of an entirely different possibility and it involves an unknown Helen–spouse of the least likely candidate’s father. This could be vital as I am looking at a few Helens on my dna trees. These are the things I need answered before I approach anyone. I’m making progress though. Lots of set backs but I’m getting there. No matter what candidate is the one, I now know that I have a few more siblings than just the 4 🙂

I named this little art diary doodle “I Exist.” Believe it or not, I do as did my mother despite any denial.

Doodle in my little Art Diary. I mod podged it to death and then edited in picasa to make up for it :-)

Doodle in my little Art Diary. I mod podged it to death and then edited in picasa to make up for it 🙂

A Trip down Memory Freakin’ Lane. 1

I’m not finding any real answers today. so I did a little reminiscing. For some odd reason, I’m remembering more than  I want to. Somehow. I’m not one to dwell. I was taught many things  growing up. I was taught to keep outsiders out. I was taught if something ever went wrong or I got into trouble of any kind, no matter what I said, never tell them I’m adopted or they will blame everything on that. I was almost drilled on some points. I was told “Now here is what you’ll say…”  I was taught to have no interest in my natural family that my adopted parents were my real parents, after all, my mother didn’t “just spread her legs” to have me. I was taught to always be grateful and to know how lucky I got it. No matter what happens in life, I have no right to complain as “”it could always be worse.”

“Today is the big day” the social worker? said to me in a vehicle. We had just left a big place with weird counters and aisle-like things. Sorry, I was rather short at the age of 18 months. I’m not sure but I think she said something about “this time you won’t be coming back and to not worry, it is OK.” I think she told me to be polite. I remember the kitchen and the couple in there. The social  worker (if that is who she was) talked a while in the kitchen  with them.  For some reason, I thought I was leaving with her again  despite her saying  what she did earlier. Kids are weird like that. She told them not to call me any name at first so as not to confuse me. She asked if they had picked one out.   I remember for fact her saying ” Soon she will have no memories at all.” She told them that they try not to send old toys as it tends to make children linger in old ways and lives. She said “she is young enough that this shouldn’t be a problem.” There was always a lot of whispering going on around me, pointing, smiling, “aweing” and the words “she” “her” “herself” were used. A lot. I was quite the item. Item. I remember that day but not one damn day before them. I grew to resent this woman because she turned out to be right, soon there were no memories at all. I tried to run after her when her leg slipped through the screen door before slamming shut. I was with the new couple. My adopted father said, “You are Susie now.” My mother said “Bill, she said not to yet.” He answered “Well Lucy Susie, sounds the same right? It’s close enough isn’t it, Susie? Lucy, what a name, Jesus.” My new mother said something about my clothes and how they were “Niiice clothes” but we are going to dress you right now. She bathed me and undid my hair and griped about it somehow.  I was Susie now. Story goes the back of my head was bald and Amom said it was from tying it up too tight. She baby oiled the back of my head due to some advice from the doctor or something. Dr Root. I remember him. I went to see him a lot before he retired. Then it was Dr Levy. I had roseolla on my face and “nervous bowels” . I used to call my Adad Bull as I always heard my Amom calling for him. I liked my Uncle.  My mother’s sister’s husband. He came over and acted silly bringing me new red sneakers. I liked him and them. They weren’t those patent leather things I had to sport all the time with my new parents. They were quite cool red sneakers. I called him Wa. That was his name. I can name folks too right? Isn’t that how life goes? New names for everyone. I liked the paper boy as I just knew that he new my way home. I used to call him Johnny even though that wasn’t his name. He was nice to me but my new parents apologized to him for me bothering him. He said it was alright but they hid me when he came to collect just the same. I knew I was looking for two boys who names sounded like Johnny and David. I often wonder if they were foster siblings. Maybe they were siblings. I have to say “sounded like” because who knows with such a child who didn’t speak clearly. I must not have, as my Aparents didn’t seem to understand a thing I said for quite some time. I had lots of dreams of places and things. I used to cry when I watched certain movies or shows. I loved heidi but would cry cause she left the farm. My Aparents got a regular kick out of that. “Tell them how you cried when Heidi left the farm, Susie. Oh GOD did she carry on. Hahaha, she was really going on about it. Right Susie? Fresh kid you. hahahaha.”  Yeah, hahahahaha. I was such a great source of entertainment. I was like a little weird science project. Or perhaps a social experiment gone wrong. Hahahahaha.

The Biggest Problem ….Or the Latest Problem

It seems as though my DNA leads me one way and any paper trail of my ancestors leads me another. It wouldn’t be too bad if Dad was a NPE and Mom an undocumented orphan, but the possibility of 200+ years of this is maddening. It is quite possible where ever (who ever) my DNA leads me will not be a documented surname/maiden name. I think this is what is happening with me. What’s in a Name? Nothing, absolutely nothing. At least not the DNA that should go with them. When I cross reference any female 1934-1967 although there are plenty of surnames in my DNA matches to match All of them, no precise ancestors are shown in any tree. None. I did a little test with Known people. My adopted family. No one is really into recording them online either. But a few specks of them do pop up here and there. Enough to at least guess. My children’s paternal side. One reference –an obit. No find a grave and no ancestry tree. Sooo many families do not have a genealogist in them. If they do, they don’t expand a thing. Everyone one has just one child leading to them. But at least with hints and member connect on ancestry those families can be expanded. So I’m not completely without hope but I do know at this point DNA is the only thing to solve this. I’m getting older and most of my people are dead. Even if a great niece or nephew tests it would help. If they wait too long I’ll be dead and they will match my children as a DISTANT cousin. Back to square one.

According to my DNA I am pretty healthy with only a few risks. Mainly heart freaking failure related ones. Slightly lower life expectancy and little endurance. See? I don’t have a lot of time. If my non id is right than my mother died at the age of 32 and there were no extended family members willing/able to take me. So that lower life expectancy seems correct so far.My DNA cousins with trees show that most of them died at the age of 50 or less. That is the ones without the “living” 300 year olds. I love those. They are great. Always one side that connects to my closest match displays a whole line of private or “living” ancestors. Strange in itself. Every time I find my connection to someone, I follow it down right to another adoption. I thought I solved this with one cousin, but discovered all on his paternal side (the side that seemed to match me) did not match with DNA. He had several of his 2nd cousins tested on all sides of his own DNA. His maternal side is what we guessed would be who connected us, led to Canada quickly (1920’s) and then fizzled. I don’t know how I ended up in Syracuse NY to be adopted by Onondaga County but I’m pretty sure I was not born there. And I’m even more sure my mother wasn’t. I’m starting to doubt she was a US citizen. I think that long 800 number on my son’s long form birth certificate that time was not a mistake but an immigration/naturalization number like what the federal building employees thought. They said this after they got like 5 people to come inspect this document I held and marveled at “mother’s ss#” being a 800 number that never (and hasn’t  since) existed anywhere in the US. I wish I still had that paper. I thought it was a fluke too. I read about flukes. They are the exact opposite of what a fluke should be. They are quite common and in abundance.

Learning A lot through DNA that hasn’t a thing to do with DNA.

I’m officially fishing in all three pools. I’m on gedmatch. I’m waiting. My first 3 closest matches after my second cousin are private. I got a lot of people sharing genomes with me and for that I’m grateful. I’ve lost 8 cousins from my 23andMe list although  I’m no where near the 1000 cap people speak of.  I lost them a couple of days ago and no new matches since. I’ve heard that usually happens when you have 1000 and only with your more distant ones. These were not the most distant ones and I’m no where near the cap. One woman on a forum said that it usually means you’ve sent an invite and they ran, pulling their data from the pool, leaving town and joining the witness protection program. I thought that was funny but a friend corrected that. They said it was the “witless protection program.”

I’ve always thought the origins part of the DNA was a fun fact for sharing or something out of curiosity. And it is usually I’m sure. But it is so much more/less to some. I stumbled upon this by looking up a cousin and looking to see what cousins we share. I got poking around and found another interesting website that they frolicked about at. Seems a lot of the participants of this mailing list did their dna. How nice I thought. Could be a surname project or something. So I’m reading and reading and READING. Must be the WHITE family. Interesting. Still reading. Oh. My. God. I am so stupid. Not the WHITE family. But, the white family. Discussing their whiteness. No, really, it was that. THAT. So apparently white supremacists use modern technology too now a days. Wow. After finding this and other sites and codes and semi-secret languages, I realize that all that innocent sharing may not be that innocent. Yes, I’m naive at times at least until I’m not. So, could it be that some of those ignored invites and emails could be due to something other than them not getting the message? Or not being into genealogy? Or being selfish? Or being dead? Or due to them feeling you are too hard (distant) to figure out a connection with? Or too proud to admit a NPE? Could it instead be that they did in fact not only get the correspondence but took a little peak at your origins? Check you out and make a conscience decision to snub you due to your origins? Are you not of the correct ethnicity? It is possible. Very possible. I had no idea. The thought had sort of crossed my mind but I was thinking “surely not”. Surely possible! People are but a strange silly group of beings. If one group does it, others may very well do it. So don’t ever feel bad about ignored messages, you simply may not be ________enough. Fill that in with whatever. Truth is truth.

What gets me is how a family may not consider you a “real” relative because of a lack of paper trail. As I’ve said before, a paper trail is something you make when you step on toilet paper in a public restroom. But all the other things their ancestors did are quite fine. When you deny or revise history it is called Lying. It happened. Truth. I read where this man said that he knows for fact what his great grandparents did before his grandparents were even born. He knew without a doubt what they didn’t do. Really? You don’t even know what your child is doing when not in your presence. How could you possibly know this? Oh yes, it wasn’t written down. I do lots of things I don’t write down. At work it was said if it isn’t written down, it didn’t happen. I know a lot of things that didn’t happen were also written down. Now what? I know, the world is pink and fuzzy and no one ever lies and nothing ever goes wrong. Got it.

So as I looked at my lack of close cousins, I got to thinking of fellow adoptees in search for siblings in NY. I was going to buy one a test. Apparently she found her only sibling and a dead mother. She “knows” she did. There were no more siblings or half siblings. No DNA. So her search is over. Ok. Another one I emailed. He is giving up on his search as he feels hopeless. I can relate. He has not done DNA. I’m thinking in my head “For the love of God do DNA. Why would you trust methods that haven’t worked in all these years? Why do you believe anything you were told that have NOT panned out in all these years? Why would you wait for some record of anything that may have been falsified anyways?” Instead I just tried to nudge him gently. I get it, I do. But it just gets me that my siblings, if they have ever even existed have given up, didn’t do DNA, or think they were reunited and really weren’t. Or they are looking under false information or worse yet, correct information that there is no way their adopted out siblings would know. Every time I see “I’m ISO Firstname Lastname of Ihavenowayofknowing City, SomestateIwouldn’tknow  born to the BirthnameIhavenoknowlegeof. If you are that person please contact me” it just kills me inside. Like anyone knows their birth name or parents or siblings’ or location let alone the hospital etc.

I’ve learned  something else, all over again at that. There are still quite a few people who would love nothing more than to hinder your search. Sabotage your efforts and sway you. Believe it. They will even pose as adoptees or helpers. They are still out there. You’ll recognize them when you see them and hopefully soon enough. They fish for information to see how much you know and figure out what they need to hide/block.  Sounds paranoid I know. That is why it works. If someone tells you a method is ridiculous, beware, as you may be too close to something they want to hide. I think it would be smart if everyone in search had a blood relative like a child on gedmatch with an alias and a different email. Just to see who may contact them about you and to see what they say. Just something to think about. Wouldn’t that be a trip to get an email referring to your own gedmatch number and to hear how you are trouble or something like that? I’m sure they wouldn’t say “Hide there is that orphan/foundling hot on your trail” but perhaps they would put some kind of fear in them in order to manipulate/ hinder. That would suck. You figure people get blacklisted all the time. Why not for this too? I know, one shouldn’t entertain these thoughts. But then again I shouldn’t have to do a lot of things.