2 Different=Too Different

Playing with gedmatch I’ve noticed some things that maybe aren’t there. My imagination or my instinct took over. My closest cousin, the one I suspect might not be that close (we may share different ancestors on different sides=too much DNA) and I don’t share origins on the vary chromosomes we match. The black areas represent where we don’t match with origins (my mother most likely) and they are huge. More than  half. I got this feeling (not true logical thought) that my parents were not a match made in heaven. I know “they say” opposites attract, but I “know” they sometimes attack. It’s not a nice idea but something is wrong here. Other than the fact that I woke up in the middle of the night to do this. I’m triangulating again with a different focus. I feel as though they did not date, were not in love, and did not marry. It was either a business arrangement or an offense. I was not a mere secret but a piece of evidence. My second cousin’s side was my father’s people and has a huge amount of ancestors. The other side was my mother’s people and have very few and even less DNA matches today. This could be for several reasons including but not limited to; economics, Regions, or reasons much darker. The ethnic painting comparison I did on gedmatch seemed to paint an interesting picture to say the least. My 3rd cousin that I suspect is on my mother’s side only shares one match on gedmatch. I just got done with the segment triangulation and see that she triangulates with NO ONE. No one.  I’m not sure what that means. I’m hoping for some new closer matches on 23andMe now all the more. If there isn’t any I’m taking another break. My search has been abandoned by the best of them. Logically it would be determined to have Not enough information given. Gut instinct can lead to disaster. Balance, it’s about balance here and facts are outweighed by guesses and blank spaces.

I had to look up the correct spelling of Leper.

via Only U.S. leper colony faces uncertain future : Scientific advances, budget cuts could close the Louisiana facility. – Los Angeles Times.

So I found the above interesting article. Also, I know how to spell what I feel like. I joined a group for adoptees and paid 5o bux to do so. They have a facebook group that they added me to. The thing is (there is always a thing isn’t there?) I feel like I’m being stopped in a junior high hallway without a hall pass. I thought I’d share some of my updates and ask a question (like all the cool members do) I was met with “Are you a member?” Yes i gave you money and we talked back and forth. My facebook addy is the same as my email so there shouldn’t be any confusion there. I didn’t say all that, I simply said “Yes”. Then I was met with “Did you post to our group?” uh, you’re reading it, right? But no, I answered “This is the right group isn’t it?” No answer. In fact, no response from anyone. I went through and read the other members post and they were all met with friendly responses and helpful/supportive replies. Mine seemed to fit in ok but for some reason, i was shunned like a leper. So I paid to be an outcast. A horrible outcast to which should be shunned. I deleted my post along with the comments. I have no idea what the heck the group is for and why only certain people can post. I wonder if there is anyone else who gets this? if not, it’s nice to be unique but I’d prefer to at least know the reason. If it’s a clique than they shouldn’t charge new members. I have no idea what to think. I must have over looked some social cue. I shouldn’t have to (nor should anyone else) be that careful. Walk on eggshells and do detective work in order to properly post in a FB group? Really? I’m feeling a tad sensitive perhaps. The last place you’d think you’d get this is an adoptee group. Don’t we encounter enough of this in other areas of life? Do we have to get this within an adoptee group? It should be some form of safe haven. I can go anywhere to be rejected, I don’t need to take it there lol I’ll get over it, of course, but I’m somewhat of an introvert to begin with. Blatant rejection for no apparent reason or for mere sport doesn’t set well.

Speaking of being a reject……..:-)

My Search

I got a good 2nd cousin match 204 shared cM. Since she is a live person and may want to shun me later at some time lol I will refer to her as BigW. She is a pro genealogist. She emails back here and there but I try not to pester her too much. She did express after comparing “our in common with” matches and so forth that she felt it would be between two son’s of her great aunt’s. i can’t seem to find them per se but I did figure out that her great Aunt is only a half sib of her grandmother. A person who knows DNA better than I do (as does most of the world I fear) took a look and decided we can exclude her paternal grandfather because of our x matches on the chromo browser. Also note BigW and I both only did Family Finder (FF) on FTDNA. So we were down to 3 of her grandparents. We still don’t know if we are looking for my mother or father at this point. Nor do we know if it’s her paternal grandmother or one of her maternal grandparents (both). It is likely, accordiing to her that my Father is coming from one of her Great Half aunt’s sons.

I’ve been playing around with my matches. My next highest matches 72cM down to about 65cM do not match BigW. I’m going through and making notes on certain things such as an Unknown Father, Adoptees and NYS. Alot of surnames show up in my matches. The problem is, if my highest match is my father than the mother could be anyone. Another thing is no one has ties to Syracuse except one that could be my grandmother (if it’s the right identity) She had left to stay with her aunt and uncle at the age of 16. They did live in Syracuse and it’s a common name of REED. She would have had just enough time to give birth to a child that had just enough time to have one of my parents in the 1930’s. That is a complication right there. One, it gets rid of the two boys (which would be older sibs to this person) and two, The baby she had would have been out of wedlock and most likely relinquished. No name. But, DNA. This child or it’s offspring would not have name attached to any tree of theirs. Even a census would show only the new legal name. If the child was on a census under “border” it would still be that families census name.

It would be hard for a family to miss a female family member with 4 children even if she gave up the fifth. However, any male family member could go out and make a baby or two. Easy to miss with that. That is why everyone feels it must be a male in their family.

My matches that don’t match her don’t necessarily mean they are my opposite parent’s line. Or does it? That is the data I’m playing around with right now and I’ll tell you, I’m confused to say the least. When it becomes clear, something throws off what ever theory i develop. I am reading and understanding DNA itself more and more. The genealogy is just as confusing with the way people record events. Dates names and places are sometimes off. Hard to get good documentation at times AND connect to trees and so forth.

When I get a little further i’m going through my notes (old skool notebooks) and I’m putting together a private tree. I’ll take it public for a few minutes at a time to get “hints” then make it private again. It will be called “The Iffy Family Tree” that will help. These people i’m dealing with are not fellow adoptees in search so I have to be careful. They may be birth families in hiding for all I know. The ones doing genetic genealogy though should be pretty welcoming. But not definitely so. One of my 3rd cousins seems to also think it’s my father that connects us BUT she does not match BigW or anyone I have in common with her. This 3rd cousin we will call WAGNER. She was very helpful, even sending me a file to keep handy to look for 4th cousin names. She even matched me on myorigins and provided a possible reason for my 2% Turkish thing. She is 4%. Which she has closer ties to the Dutchman that did it lol WAGNER actually emailed me before I had even seen my results so I feel more welcomed to ask her questions as they come up.

Very interesting stuff. My GEDMATCH is F373715 but I can still only do one on one. So anyone, feel free to one on one me. 🙂 I’m waiting on that and I had also done a nat geo test and am waiting on it. I will have it transfered to FTDNA and I’m not sure if Gedmatch does that one or not. That may help with the maternal side and figuring out what side is what. I’m very new to having a family, calling anyone Cousin (feels good no matter how distant), DNA and genealogy. I’m learning but slowly. I have to get things straight in my head at times. I feel like life is just there to break my concentration. I get it so clear in my head and I’m on a roll and then it just fizzles sometimes. Like what was I thinking again? And there is absolutely no one offline that I can explain certain problems/dilemmas to. They run like that comedy sketch I seen years ago “OMG, it’s MATH!! RUN!!” lol

I feel so much closer. I at least feel that in my children’s lifetime if they pursue this, they will find their grand parents. I have REED PORTER KETCHAM WEST WHAM RICE WEBB RUT CLARK KENT and RUT in abundance as far as ancestral surnames. I have found no one who matches my mother as far as her lifespan 1934-1967. There isn’t a lot from NY either. Doesn’t mean anything yet.

I’m thinking of having a couple of my kids tested. The boys will go back to their own father’s family so that won’t do me much good on the ydna. But maybe my daughters? With FF I know they have at least half me in them all so maybe we can compare plus it would be nice to have a known relative on there.

1-2 weeks Echoing in my Ears.

Tormenting me. Although I Know the results of my DNA kit may not provide me with the ultimate answer “Who am I” or “Was I?” or even who my mother was. Not to mention who are/were my siblings. It won’t tell me If there even were any nor if anything in my non-identifying information is correct. But it may shed some light on my nationality/origins. I may be able to find a few surnames to “play” with. 1-2 weeks is up tomorrow and not a moment before. I know this as I checked all the “moments” before. I hear it is usually late and I simply can’t think too much on that possibility at this time. They need to work over time if business is that good. And judging from all the Adoptees in Upstate NY without a name, business should be booming. There is a lot of money being made off of us nameless folks.

I’ve been working on my adopted family’s tree as well while I wait for the Unknown tree to be filled in. A lot of mysteries there too. May be clues there as well. Interesting things. What I find discouraging is the message boards on ancestry dot com. Especially the adoptee ones. Seems like no one replies to anyone on there. Old posts with no chatter. I feel that my siblings were not adopted, at least not in the legal sense. Perhaps they went with Step parents or Aunts and Uncles but wouldn’t be a fellow adoptee in search. That makes it even more difficult as they wouldn’t be registered etc. If they were to post a query it would be for their surname. They would disregard any reply from anything but and ignore any post not in reference to that surname. That surname that we adoptees have no way of knowing. So unless the posts has a date close to my birthday and titled Baby Surname/Doe/Unknown or something I would have no idea if it were me they were looking for.

I got a reply to my email and it was a …No? I think. It didn’t really say no but the person who would have been 14 years of age when I was born and should have known. There was a (would be) half sister born after me.  It fit so perfect with my info. But for some reason, she said she couldn’t help me. I need a Maury Povich type answer….”No you are NOT my sister!” lol Spell it out to me, I’m thick. And tired. And old. Getting older. She mentions a Half sister. I’m assuming she knows already what I’ve researched so far?? Perhaps I should email back and make sure she knows what I do. Perhaps the match could be made for her if not for me. Wow. Secrets everywhere and for what? Life is short. Getting shorter for me.

So it’s the holidays

i stuck my neck out in order to rule out a potential match or …..not. They didn’t block me at least. But no reply. in fact, no online activity that I know of since I sent the message. I’m like an unskilled and unwilling stalker lol I won’t contact again. I’m trying to be patient. it’s hard when you don’t know if they got the message or not. Yay, Nay, or Hang on and let me check. That is all I need as a reply. If it’s yay then I want PHOTOS or even a photo. I’m truly just after a little knowledge of my birth family. That is all. I’m an introvert.. No problems here when it comes to giving anyone their space. In fact, I don’t even know how to act around a family. My adopted parents didn’t mingle. I think I met a cousin once when I was 3. I have no idea who she belonged to just that I liked her a lot and pushed her down a couple of steps. (different blog lol) I suspect she may have been eyeing my tricycle.

I feel whimpy this holiday season. I’m 1300 miles from home. My house is not being watched or maintained properly and I suspect that my dog Talullah is being picked on and is sad. She goes to the vet tomorrow so I instructed my daughter to pay extra attention to her at the after doc park trip and through treats. I can’t be two places at once.

Family Tree DNA is taking their ol’ sweet time. 1-2 weeks for an eternity. I can barely stand it. I may not have matches there anyways. But I’d like to at least have it out there just by chance there will be one. I hear of people giving up after their results have been posted “too long with no matches”. I feel like screaming “Wait! Mine aren’t there yet!!!”

I’m always happy when I see a reunited family. I see a lot of them and have even helped find a few. Usually they are in mutual search. A lot of times I skim through the search info and say “Oh, they are those people that have names.” Even a correct date would be nice. Sounds funny something so simple. To have a name. I’ve always felt names weren’t important. After all, I’ve never known mine but I’m here. Sort of. I may have never had a name to start with. I have a file set up in case I die before I find out my identity. The search will continue. It has everything needed to continue and hopefully will have things crossed out. It’s hard at this point to even cross anything out. An example would be the last probable match. The person we contacted didn’t know. She did reply however. Not to my email but to a genealogist’s. She (the possible match) didn’t seem too curious either. We moved on, but couldn’t actually cross her out either.

I don’t get it. No one likes surprises in their trees? I love it when I look out the window and see a new baby white squirrel playing with it’s black sibling squirrel in the tree. Cuteness. Adventure. New life. Whatever. I would love to find a new family member—A mystery. Truth.

I’ll be cooking for 3 people and 3 dogs this Thanksgiving. We are keeping it real simple and real good. My middle boy is going over to his half (paternal) brother’s house perhaps for dinner. I told him to go enjoy himself and if offered left overs take the deserts! We have the main course covered. 🙂 It’s hard to cook for only 3. i usually cook for 10 plus who ever stops by. I was thinking of going out for Thanksgiving but then I thought of crowds traffic and the fact I was to be thankful and not regretful.

One thing that hurts my search is newspaper archives. I have clippings all over this house and know what papers they came out of. I search for them online just to check how hard they are to find. I only find half of them. With the article in front of me that I know is there and all the wording, I still can’t find it online. That answers a lot. At work we’d always say “if it’s not written down, it didn’t happen.” We never really covered “If it’s written down, it still may have not happened.” But both statements are somehow true. Unfortunate for my search.

It’s time to stick my neck out again……

have

Closer or Start over…. Match or another Ruled out

I have 1-2 weeks of waiting on my DNA. It’s killing me 😉 My last possible lead is quite frankly scaring the hell out of me. It’s seems so close to my info. I had to give up looking for fellow adoptees in search as it appears I was the only sibling adopted out. Me. Of course. It also appears I have younger half siblings. If (that tiny word with the HUGE meaning) this lead is on track. It’s at the stage where I have to make some contact. I have to ask someone a question in some extremely careful way if I’m their sister. Or if it’s possible we are connected somehow by a common family member. There will be that question “well who are you, or what is your name?” The answer would be “I don’t know, it’s why I’m contacting you.” Doesn’t sound to good to me either. I feel this lead may be close since I am now scared to death. I’ve learned a lot about other people’s family trees. I feel like a stalker peering into other peoples lives. All the while trying to find my place in it. Like I’m trying to attach myself in some way to someone else’s life. It’s not really in my nature to do this sort of thing. But it is or was or could have been my family too. Or like a few other times, is just a fluke. I can’t rely on my non id to be accurate. It’s already pretty vague. If only it contained exact dates or first names. Just a tad more info would save me from contacting someone with that question that certainly has to be sugar coated. Did your mother have just one more baby before she died in 1967? How in the world do you do this diplomatically? I did reach out to someone and their reply was….no reply at all. Do I cross you off and just move on now? Well, it’s what I did. i’m rehearsing things this time. Such as “funny story to share with you…..you see I had this mother but don’t know her name, she died when yours did in the same locality…I wouldn’t be mentioned in the obits of course because I was a secret.” Sounds like something that gets deleted. Actually in truth, if I were to get such a letter I’d be intrigued. I’d be asking around the family in a quest for truth. But as I have learned time and time again, I am simply not like others in that regard. What could an infant possibly have done to be shunned so? it may turn out to be more like ‘what does this baby represent that is worth running from?” I must tread lightly. Always. I’m scared. If only I could do enough research to rule someone out but I can’t. It is not going to be spelled out in this case. There is no birth announcement for me. Not in the city I was “born in.” Which is actually only the city my adopted parents lived in at the time. My BC has been amended. My life was amended. I was amended. There is a little resemblance I see with one person who would be my oldest sister —if—this is a match. I still don’t know. She is following back on twitter now. Should I tweet something to entice her into reading my story? Would it ring a bell? Would it send me, my twitter and my blog to hell? I have to think on this. I have to rehearse. I will probably say something from the heart. The scared, uncertain, unrehearsed heart. But what?

I’m going to soak in a hot dizzy bubble bath along with my thoughts. When i come out i should have all the answers. But i won’t.. At least the fear will go down the drain as it is not proving useful to me right now. I so do not want to hurt or offend anyone. If this is my family (even if it’s not) I don’t want to cause a family feud or bring up horrible memories.

If this is my family OMG. I am so proud of them. They moved on and lived! I however am just stuck. I know I mustn’t wait for this or that to start living but somehow I do feel like I need to know my past in order to head towards my future. I just want a glimpse. It would explain me being artsy in a world (family) full of applied type stable …hum drum….traditional? Can’t think of the word. It’s a word that I am not. It’s the opposite of true to self. It’s one of those amended words. lol

There are many things about this family that make sense as to my adoption and non id info. There are a few things off too though as far as dates. Just a few. The other family was right on the money (the two families share some surnames in their tree too). Thinking of family trees, both had mystery slots. A birth–no name or follow ups and things such as that. Large gaps in info around the time I was born. September 30, 1966. Upstate NY. Mother died in 1967. Four older siblings. If my non id is incorrect with the very thing I mention to someone they would say “Oh no this is no matched based on ________” Fill in the blank with whatever wrong info the state of New York gave me and that will be the end even if we are family. I’m thinking I should just say “Hey do DNA ’cause it is FUN!” Maybe that will solve the problem except for the obvious reasons it’ wouldn’t lol No one is going to include “mystery baby unknown but given away lost or stolen” in their family trees. Or “Mother went missing fat and came back thin…don’t know why” but that would however make things a lot easier.

Maybe my mother was a hitch hiking artist who went from town to town, got pregnant, gave the child up and went on to the next place. Maybe I was no stranger to life under the big top? Let me give it a try….”Round and round and round she goes, where she stops nobody knows!” “Step right up, don’t be shy…” It’s no use. I’m off to soak 🙂

Empathy

I have got 3 potential leads and the search angel who is helping me says they don’t mean anything yet but to just save info for now. She says there is more to come. I have to say these photos, these stories, these lives just haunt me. I ache and feel helpless as I truly want to go back in time and help. There were some photos that just get me so upset and I feel connected. Not because they are my family, because they obviously all can’t be, but they are people with stories and in some cases extreme heart ache, abandonment and tragedy. I physically hurt as I look in the eyes of some of these people.

One is a woman who died close to where I was adopted. (it’s only assumed I was born in Syracuse–nothing actually states that) and was only a year off in age. She died late 67 instead of early 67. Small differences but as we all know, non-id isn’t always accurate. Her husband seemed devoted and died years later. i tried to follow up on the kids and that is when our eyes met. The son who died not too long ago in his 50’s. His eyes at the camera laying with oxygen on all outdoorsy and gruff looking but with the most beautiful and familiar green eyes. I felt for him as I read his guestbook. He sounded like such an especially kind person. I would’ve been proud to be his sister. But it looks like all the kids are accounted for. Not sure yet. Also it bothers me that this sibling JUST died. All the time wasted if it were my sibling.

The second one is the hardest one. The search was broadened a bit and to focus further back on my mother –grandmother etc. So in 1938 in Kings new york there was a newspaper photo and article. I looked into some family trees etc and found some info. Again this is not a match just something to ponder etc. The photo just killed me. These four girls could easily be part of our family. They would (could’ve) have been my mother and her siblings. This photo is so real. So urgent that I don’t care if they were relatives or not. I hurt for them, It looked like someone just drew perfect frowns on their sweet faces. The one girl, Miriam did die in 1967 at my mother’s age. Means nothing for my search right now. But those photos haunt me. A mother went to a police station to check on her husband’s missing persons report. He had been gone for a year. She excused herself to go to the restroom and didn’t come back. They sent the 4 and 5 year old to one place and put the 18 month old and 2 month old in the hospital. The maternal grandmother did go get them when she heard and later the mother turned herself in and went to the hospital. But that photo! It was a black and white photo and not that clear. But sharp enough to feel the desperate fear. I felt as if a certain fear, a certain trauma, a loss of trust can not just effect you but be passed through generations. There is just something so unsettling to certain incidents. When time stands still. I must be a weirdo because other people just don’t seem to go through these delays. I’m supposed to be picking out info and facts, but instead I imagine these are my families and I hurt for them. I’m supposed to just move on with it so to speak. But I stop and mourn things that probably aren’t mine to mourn. I hope the girls grew up to find happiness.

The third one is a woman in Florida. Her husband’s surname is still there. There is a small write up on the mother but lots more on the father and his side of the family. She was born at the right time and died in early 1967. No cause of death that I could find, but it was after a hospital stay. (Hospital stay could equal sepsis after a child birth) There was little on her people and they were older. Her husband died in 1976. There was a picture of her that looked like there was a pregnant belly. She was on a swing. She didn’t look to be buried with him. She had a child that had died at the age of 15 of huffing. They called it “sniffing”. She had 3 other kids not even listed on her memorial page but shows on her husbands page where she is mentioned as spouse. If I find out this woman is my mother there will be a lot more than slight mention. A lot more flowers. A lot more feeling. It just seems this woman was forgotten and not as notable as her husband. I just felt for her. If this was my mother I’d say the four older siblings were kept and know their names and history. I don’t know yet. But it does make me think that if my story is something like this then DNA may never help as her people are dead and any siblings don’t deal in missing relatives. His people wouldn’t care another words. Or don’t even know somehow. There are some facts in her story that echo in my story as well. She was effected by some of the same things I have been.

I mailed my kit off. I hope something comes of it. I haven’t seen anything on social media and the online registries seem hopeless. Especially the ones that show someone looking for a sibling but in a different state. Like where the lawyer that handled my adoption (or advised my a parents in) was from and later retired to and died. Some of these registries you have to inquire instead of comment so you get an email back –No match because they won’t look outside the box. To me it’s like this. You’ve been looking 30 years and so have other siblings–the dates are within range–then Why Not? It’s more than possible since NY and FL and two other states are notorious for sharing adoptees. But no go.

If states would just open sealed records there wouldn’t be all this wasted time.

Does anyone else get lost in stories/lives like this?

doe 10 doe 9

There little eyes and their little frowns. These things just haunt me. I wish I could go back in time and help.