Hours on Phone

My sister and I talked for hours! Many things run in families. She said “Well you know apples don’t fall far from the tree they say.” I said “Yeah but I didn’t know any of the apples yet.” We laughed. Alike. It is amazing. My other sister is like this hippy girl —like most of my friends that I’ve made over the years. My brother is this fair laid back awesome dude. We all got “the hair” lol I can’t put into words what it feels like to have siblings. I’ve never even known cousins or anything growing up. There were no peers etc. This is amazing. We have not broke the news to the other 4 yet. But they told their immediate families and all their co workers who ran to my FB page and Deemed me the female Russell (My Bro) I can’t hardly believe it. I’m more like Cher probably but I seen my own eyes looking back at me with Cynthia.Wow. We want to meet and we are going to do DNA (they are) of course to confirm and just see it! There is a little wonder if I may be full siblings with one. We should be half though. I emailed with my brother’s wife and she is extremely polite and friendly. She is being very supportive and thinks this is really answering a lot of questions for her husband. Sounds like they have great spouses. My sister that I spent hours on the phone with (hope she made it to work on time) when asked what is respectful for me to say in reference to my mother, said “you say our MOM, your Mom. That is what she is.” Wow, talk about kindness. I didn’t want to come across as well you know, a Mom thief or something. She is my Mom. Our Mom. That is something just out of this world to me. And I really couldn’t have picked a better family. I have never in my life had such a connection. Even talking about flaws or health complaints —to connect like this is amazing. I’ve never laid eyes on anyone who looked like me or had basic things like me. It’s just so new to me. Understanding without completing a sentence. It HAS to be my family. i’ll be surprised if it’s not my family. It all fits in so perfect and makes so much sense. Good bad and in between. I can’t stop thinking about them. I hope the other 4 don’t hate me. But these 3 are great 🙂 So my sister said that she got a new sister for her birthday!! And my dumb self is so foggy headed I didn’t say happy birthday. I suck. I didn’t catch it until I was off the phone. To be so excited like me. This is  good. Life is good. 🙂

My youngest daughter is real excited as well. my other kids are happy for me but don’t seem as nutty as we are lol I hope that DNA hurries up. I wonder if he got his kit yet? 🙂 The best part of all of this is I don’t have to just “wonder” anymore. There will always be some mysteries but now we can address them together..or not. Together. This is good. I’ve been saying that I wouldn’t pester that all I wanted was a little history and a photo and to put flowers on my mom’s grave. Well I’m still waiting on the photo but I got the totally awesome extra bonus that YES they want to actually meet. Acceptance-never had that before other than with my father that wasn’t my father. That set back we faced when thinking we were reunited but weren’t thanks to that old obsolete DNA test. He was awesome and really accepting and kind. I will never forget him. One can’t have regrets. Maybe the time wasn’t right and that was needed. Can’t revise history and that was part of it. So be it.

We are looking at possibly the end of May to get together. Now all I have to do is my hair nails round up some good clothes (they around here somewhere) Bleach teeth and lose at least 50 lbs. I can do this. I also have to work on getting rid of my limp. Drugs? i wonder what kind I shall need? lmao I’ve got half a month for gawd’s sake.

Oh and apparently we all rescue dogs and are creative. There is other things I’m sure. I see our slight differences too. But it’s almost like it’s the same basic traits. One can take the same talents and do quite different things with the same set of skills. For instance you can write novels or tell fascinating lies. Same thing presented differently. Whatever, it’s family. lol

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Pep in my Hobbling Step

99.998% sure I just got off the phone with my Brother. He is not only going to do DNA but is going to get it himself. After I received my updated non id info it shed light on an old candidate for a mother who got put on a back burner due to marital and child differences. He has a great sense of humor and was like talking to FAMILY, It seems they had a lot of questions growing up that this discovery (ME) seems to answer.

Thanks to DNA and Melanie and Julia and my special cousin Taffey and Wendy and others,  I think we found them. I got off the phone knowing I had to correct my DNA tree a tad (still don’t think it’s right) I had great grands wrong on one line so didn’t get DNA HINTs but I had the 22 other DNA hints. But I went to the store. I blabbered to the cashier —he was very supportive. lol Poor fella. I have been having a few aches, pains and concerns lately but somehow there was a little pep in step on the way to my suv. I almost cried then I didn’t then I was a little mad about the time wasted—then happy—No, I think I will cry, nope ok. I talked to myself on the way to and from the store. I didn’t care. How dare they keep us all in the dark with our suspicions? Well my brother and I talked for hours. We laughed he said I sound like my sister including the things I say itself. They had mysteries and things they wondered about but never knew about me. When I told him I’ll try to spit it out quicker and spare him details he said “no tell everything–this is like too smooth as it is answering so many questions we had and blank periods of times and missing pieces.”  He was VERY interested. I couldn’t believe it as usually I have to hurry and sum things up not to bore people. OMG.

This is unbelievable and I can’t express my feelings completely because I don’t know them. Connection? Truth? I can’t believe this. i am so happy. I hope they send a photo of ….Our Mom? Is it Our MOM? I have stood alone my whole life other than my own kids and grandkids etc. Could it be? I’m not alone? I think I may be happy. I’m scared a little too. i hope I’m not too fat or ugly or old or TOO anything. I hope I’m enough. This is wild. I hope it’s true.

It seems I am not “that damn baby” after all. My siblings  didn’t know and it looks like my maternal grand parents may not have either.

So I’m going to make some coffee and do a little of this and that. And see if they got my email yet 🙂

Happy Valentine’s Day

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Now it’s not only Valentine’s Day but a Saturday night. Get off of gedmatch so I can get on lol My cousin from Ancestry who was 10 matches up from my 3rd cousin on FTDNA and Gedmatch, finally uploaded  to gedmatch. She is not ready for one to many (last I knew) but I was able to see some things and compare her to my matches. She doesn’t share as much cM as  I thought she would. So what does that mean? Does it mean that the 10 people between her and my other cousin  are only 1cM apart? Wow Whee. I waited for someone to mail  something off for me. Hmm hmm. And they slow walked me. For WEEKS. Finally, they shipped not only that certain item for me, but their kits that I paid for them to take. Yay. So I will be in all 3 pools plus have a couple of known relatives in there too. Should be very interesting  to see. Ancestry trees are helpful but not nearly as important as FTDNA’s data. I like to see how long a block and how much cM without having to pester and provide tutorials to matches to get them on gedmatch. To an adoptee with no name, it’s vital to see how much a match and I share. The trees on ancestry are good, but would be better if we all were on a huge wiki type tree. DNA attached. Sure there would be blunders here and there. But it would all but sound off buzzers when you actually connected. Finding that MRCA would be a lot easier. I got in huge trouble using member connect on ancestry and also the merge feature. Thought I was being a regular smarty pants. Then…..I had to get rid of some wives and “twins” and mother in laws as siblings and mothers as spouses. That last one was because of the “member connect” who was tripping when they did exactly what I was doing. I got most of it fixed without losing too many legit 2nd and 3rd spouses. But when your eyes start watering and you are nodding out, it’s best to quit any methodology you may be working on. And getting carried away with lol

Chr Start Location End Location Centimorgans (cM) SNPs
3 3533555 7506715 10.5 1445
5 73151031 107169632 32.6 6621

Largest segment = 32.6 cM
Total of segments > 7 cM = 43.0 cM
Estimated number of generations to MRCA = 4.2

Above is my cousin (Female) on ancestry who is next in line after my 2nd cousin. She does not match her and shares no X with me. We have determined that we match through a Moore/Ellsworth of NY. Possibly their son Otis but not his wife a Mahaney.

About 10-15 people down is my ftdna cousin (Male) who has that adopted great grandfather on his mother’s side.

Chr Start Location End Location Centimorgans (cM) SNPs
13 30545353 74577343 43.8 10739

Largest segment = 43.8 cM
Total of segments > 7 cM = 43.8 cM
Estimated number of generations to MRCA = 4.2

He does not share on X either nor does he match my second cousin or my Above cousin.

I can’t wait until my cousin (Female) is ready for one to many so I can do more with the data. I’d like to see where they put her. I wonder why Ancestry put her so fare above the rest? They did this before I had any name that matched or circles. The only 2 circles I have are of people who match on my second cousin’s side. Flint/Hart. that is my Rodman Lewis Reed Patchin Phelps West etc.

I don’t do a lot with my second cousins data because her tree is a contradiction to itself within itself and other’s trees who share ancestors. I don’t know what to believe. Even the census makes it unclear who is who or with who. Tons of servents and borders and name changes (nicknames and typos?) Cousins/nieces lived with inlaws etc. I seem to connect with her on all sides. Makes me wonder if we just “share too much DNA” and not truly that close. Crossed lines so to speak? Quakers with tons of kids. Very difficult. She says she has no clue and that she didn’t research whatever side I’m on. i know I’m on that one side but maybe the other also. There are some Clarks, Wheelers, and Tuttles complicating  things. I have two different Hawkins lines in there also.

Chr Start Location End Location Centimorgans (cM) SNPs
4 16777099 34640744 20.8 3624
5 110660142 122475673 10.5 2686
5 159293063 166764272 9.4 1712
8 18402373 26415074 13.7 2663
9 4080724 22002051 33.9 6305
9 77532718 85911749 12.1 2262
14 32497368 57124732 25.4 5816
14 93508235 96686114 8.7 1304
16 13512559 26879594 21.1 2898
19 53609969 61067752 27.7 2390

Largest segment = 33.9 cM
Total of segments > 7 cM = 183.5 cM
Estimated number of generations to MRCA = 3.1

We Do share on X

Chr Start Location End Location Centimorgans (cM) SNPs
X 3113318 21971664 30.1 2631

Largest segment = 30.1 cM
Total of segments > 7 cM = 30.1 cM Actual.

So I figured since we shared on X that she might get it from her father who gets it from his mother but not his dad and so on. So there is 3 grands But we share a Great. So I went back and said well the x can be from her grandmother but NOT her grandfather and his Dad. But there is the Great grandmother on that side. BUT she feels we are connected through her grandfather’s bro and was wiling to have her 1st cousin (male) test if I paid for it. So I had to think about that X and the fact that I don’t seem to share many surnames on that side. Her  paternal  Grandfather and his Bro got X from the mother(Great) But could not have passed it to her through the Father. Yeah, so I look at my other cousins. It’s a shame as we share a lot of DNA.

I wonder since the two female cousins don’t match each other and one shares X with me and one doesn’t if they share on chromosome 5 on different sides. I feel the second cousin is on my Father’s side (lots of cousins on  this side) and the Other one is on my mother’s side (hardly any cousins on this side). The fella I think is on my father’s side too but too far back to match my second cousin. It seems like it’s on his adopted Great grandfather’s side (hahaha). I have other cousin’s that were convinced I  was on their father’s side but it turns out I was on that side that connects to my second cousin. Again too far back to match her. Rodman.  Always a Rodman lol I found a living Rodman who seemed very interested until I offered to pay for a DNA test for them. Haven’t heard a thing since. Maybe they will surprise me and just appear in my matches one day. I feel we would at least be 1st cousins  or something.

I have a nice big group of cousins who all match on chromo 10. Don’t know what is so special about that place yet.

I’ve sent away for an obit of a person who has very little posted online. She will ruin every theory I have. I don’t know if this is easy to follow or not but here it goes. I’m pretty sure I have those Reed/Rodmans in my DNA. the one suspect to be my grandmother married a Ketcham. Quite a few of his ancestors are in my cousins trees. Looks right. Ketcham father. Possibly mating with a Graham/Peltier Or Rowe (Moore decedent) My mother. Really not sure about that. BUT this person ruins this whole theory because–She is the sister of the Reed of Reed/Rodman AND she married a MOORE. Crap. If she is my grandmother and she connects these two “sides” it ruins everything. Because now we are left needing another “side” Still my mother. This is where my second cousins tree that has two different women down as bio mom of these female sibs destroys my search. It’s important. My mother’s Mother has to have the right haplogroup U5b2c2. How I know these girls  don’t  have that? My second cousin. These girls are her grandmother’s sister’s. If they share her mother (and they should) they are not my haplogroup. Another reason I believe it’s on my father’s side. Anything goes if it’s a male from that side (grandfather). BUt It points to one of these sisters (female Reeds) if NOT a male Rodman.

A search angel that keeps in touch with me and has access to my DNA etc. is concerned about the lack of any sign of my mother. Was I born in Canada? Germany? England? Scotland? Was I born here but she from another country? She is off the grid. All this genealogy going on and no one 1934-1967 in the state of NY who matches at all ever? These older siblings…they don’t remember their mother being prego just a few short months  before she died? If she died in Jan 1967 I was born on the last day of Sept the year prior. I was 3 months old. The sibs were at the very least 2 4 6 and 8. Most likely older. Where they gone? Did they actually die in infancy? Were we all shipped off? Was I the only one shipped off and they never seen their mother prego? Did she die in prison? Was I born in prison? Was I kidnapped? Was my mother told I was stillborn? Did she just die last week? It’s maddening. Traditional search never worked because there were no mutual searchers. At least not with info like mine. I’m disregarded because they are looking for anyone but a female born on September 30, 1966 with a dead mother. I found a fellow born on my birthday but a few years prior in NY. I wrote him (replied through his search query) No response. He just posted the thing. He disregarded me because of non id. Such trust we put in a system who lies to us about everything else. They sealed the  records. What makes us think they felt a need to give us the truth. Why? They are not accountable. Why would  they be when we aren’t to find out the truth anyways? They could tell us any old thing. How would we know? But still, we disregard each other, just the way it was intended.

I wanted to go home. I was too young to know my way. They say my name was Lucinda.

I wanted to go home. I was too young to know my way. They say my name was Lucinda.

Looking for Likes in all the wrong places…..

via ISO Siblings in NY 1948 – 1965. I’m trying to drum up some likes for my Facebook page i created for my search. It is focused on Upstate NY adoptees in search but serves as another online presence for those in search from anywhere. I have 4 likes. I’m a chicken sharer. Meaning I don’t spam other pages or groups and that isn’t how it’s done I know, but I’m just not brazen enough to do that. Although I’ve liked a few pages that did just that. 🙂

Closer or Start over…. Match or another Ruled out

I have 1-2 weeks of waiting on my DNA. It’s killing me 😉 My last possible lead is quite frankly scaring the hell out of me. It’s seems so close to my info. I had to give up looking for fellow adoptees in search as it appears I was the only sibling adopted out. Me. Of course. It also appears I have younger half siblings. If (that tiny word with the HUGE meaning) this lead is on track. It’s at the stage where I have to make some contact. I have to ask someone a question in some extremely careful way if I’m their sister. Or if it’s possible we are connected somehow by a common family member. There will be that question “well who are you, or what is your name?” The answer would be “I don’t know, it’s why I’m contacting you.” Doesn’t sound to good to me either. I feel this lead may be close since I am now scared to death. I’ve learned a lot about other people’s family trees. I feel like a stalker peering into other peoples lives. All the while trying to find my place in it. Like I’m trying to attach myself in some way to someone else’s life. It’s not really in my nature to do this sort of thing. But it is or was or could have been my family too. Or like a few other times, is just a fluke. I can’t rely on my non id to be accurate. It’s already pretty vague. If only it contained exact dates or first names. Just a tad more info would save me from contacting someone with that question that certainly has to be sugar coated. Did your mother have just one more baby before she died in 1967? How in the world do you do this diplomatically? I did reach out to someone and their reply was….no reply at all. Do I cross you off and just move on now? Well, it’s what I did. i’m rehearsing things this time. Such as “funny story to share with you…..you see I had this mother but don’t know her name, she died when yours did in the same locality…I wouldn’t be mentioned in the obits of course because I was a secret.” Sounds like something that gets deleted. Actually in truth, if I were to get such a letter I’d be intrigued. I’d be asking around the family in a quest for truth. But as I have learned time and time again, I am simply not like others in that regard. What could an infant possibly have done to be shunned so? it may turn out to be more like ‘what does this baby represent that is worth running from?” I must tread lightly. Always. I’m scared. If only I could do enough research to rule someone out but I can’t. It is not going to be spelled out in this case. There is no birth announcement for me. Not in the city I was “born in.” Which is actually only the city my adopted parents lived in at the time. My BC has been amended. My life was amended. I was amended. There is a little resemblance I see with one person who would be my oldest sister —if—this is a match. I still don’t know. She is following back on twitter now. Should I tweet something to entice her into reading my story? Would it ring a bell? Would it send me, my twitter and my blog to hell? I have to think on this. I have to rehearse. I will probably say something from the heart. The scared, uncertain, unrehearsed heart. But what?

I’m going to soak in a hot dizzy bubble bath along with my thoughts. When i come out i should have all the answers. But i won’t.. At least the fear will go down the drain as it is not proving useful to me right now. I so do not want to hurt or offend anyone. If this is my family (even if it’s not) I don’t want to cause a family feud or bring up horrible memories.

If this is my family OMG. I am so proud of them. They moved on and lived! I however am just stuck. I know I mustn’t wait for this or that to start living but somehow I do feel like I need to know my past in order to head towards my future. I just want a glimpse. It would explain me being artsy in a world (family) full of applied type stable …hum drum….traditional? Can’t think of the word. It’s a word that I am not. It’s the opposite of true to self. It’s one of those amended words. lol

There are many things about this family that make sense as to my adoption and non id info. There are a few things off too though as far as dates. Just a few. The other family was right on the money (the two families share some surnames in their tree too). Thinking of family trees, both had mystery slots. A birth–no name or follow ups and things such as that. Large gaps in info around the time I was born. September 30, 1966. Upstate NY. Mother died in 1967. Four older siblings. If my non id is incorrect with the very thing I mention to someone they would say “Oh no this is no matched based on ________” Fill in the blank with whatever wrong info the state of New York gave me and that will be the end even if we are family. I’m thinking I should just say “Hey do DNA ’cause it is FUN!” Maybe that will solve the problem except for the obvious reasons it’ wouldn’t lol No one is going to include “mystery baby unknown but given away lost or stolen” in their family trees. Or “Mother went missing fat and came back thin…don’t know why” but that would however make things a lot easier.

Maybe my mother was a hitch hiking artist who went from town to town, got pregnant, gave the child up and went on to the next place. Maybe I was no stranger to life under the big top? Let me give it a try….”Round and round and round she goes, where she stops nobody knows!” “Step right up, don’t be shy…” It’s no use. I’m off to soak 🙂

Empathy

I have got 3 potential leads and the search angel who is helping me says they don’t mean anything yet but to just save info for now. She says there is more to come. I have to say these photos, these stories, these lives just haunt me. I ache and feel helpless as I truly want to go back in time and help. There were some photos that just get me so upset and I feel connected. Not because they are my family, because they obviously all can’t be, but they are people with stories and in some cases extreme heart ache, abandonment and tragedy. I physically hurt as I look in the eyes of some of these people.

One is a woman who died close to where I was adopted. (it’s only assumed I was born in Syracuse–nothing actually states that) and was only a year off in age. She died late 67 instead of early 67. Small differences but as we all know, non-id isn’t always accurate. Her husband seemed devoted and died years later. i tried to follow up on the kids and that is when our eyes met. The son who died not too long ago in his 50’s. His eyes at the camera laying with oxygen on all outdoorsy and gruff looking but with the most beautiful and familiar green eyes. I felt for him as I read his guestbook. He sounded like such an especially kind person. I would’ve been proud to be his sister. But it looks like all the kids are accounted for. Not sure yet. Also it bothers me that this sibling JUST died. All the time wasted if it were my sibling.

The second one is the hardest one. The search was broadened a bit and to focus further back on my mother –grandmother etc. So in 1938 in Kings new york there was a newspaper photo and article. I looked into some family trees etc and found some info. Again this is not a match just something to ponder etc. The photo just killed me. These four girls could easily be part of our family. They would (could’ve) have been my mother and her siblings. This photo is so real. So urgent that I don’t care if they were relatives or not. I hurt for them, It looked like someone just drew perfect frowns on their sweet faces. The one girl, Miriam did die in 1967 at my mother’s age. Means nothing for my search right now. But those photos haunt me. A mother went to a police station to check on her husband’s missing persons report. He had been gone for a year. She excused herself to go to the restroom and didn’t come back. They sent the 4 and 5 year old to one place and put the 18 month old and 2 month old in the hospital. The maternal grandmother did go get them when she heard and later the mother turned herself in and went to the hospital. But that photo! It was a black and white photo and not that clear. But sharp enough to feel the desperate fear. I felt as if a certain fear, a certain trauma, a loss of trust can not just effect you but be passed through generations. There is just something so unsettling to certain incidents. When time stands still. I must be a weirdo because other people just don’t seem to go through these delays. I’m supposed to be picking out info and facts, but instead I imagine these are my families and I hurt for them. I’m supposed to just move on with it so to speak. But I stop and mourn things that probably aren’t mine to mourn. I hope the girls grew up to find happiness.

The third one is a woman in Florida. Her husband’s surname is still there. There is a small write up on the mother but lots more on the father and his side of the family. She was born at the right time and died in early 1967. No cause of death that I could find, but it was after a hospital stay. (Hospital stay could equal sepsis after a child birth) There was little on her people and they were older. Her husband died in 1976. There was a picture of her that looked like there was a pregnant belly. She was on a swing. She didn’t look to be buried with him. She had a child that had died at the age of 15 of huffing. They called it “sniffing”. She had 3 other kids not even listed on her memorial page but shows on her husbands page where she is mentioned as spouse. If I find out this woman is my mother there will be a lot more than slight mention. A lot more flowers. A lot more feeling. It just seems this woman was forgotten and not as notable as her husband. I just felt for her. If this was my mother I’d say the four older siblings were kept and know their names and history. I don’t know yet. But it does make me think that if my story is something like this then DNA may never help as her people are dead and any siblings don’t deal in missing relatives. His people wouldn’t care another words. Or don’t even know somehow. There are some facts in her story that echo in my story as well. She was effected by some of the same things I have been.

I mailed my kit off. I hope something comes of it. I haven’t seen anything on social media and the online registries seem hopeless. Especially the ones that show someone looking for a sibling but in a different state. Like where the lawyer that handled my adoption (or advised my a parents in) was from and later retired to and died. Some of these registries you have to inquire instead of comment so you get an email back –No match because they won’t look outside the box. To me it’s like this. You’ve been looking 30 years and so have other siblings–the dates are within range–then Why Not? It’s more than possible since NY and FL and two other states are notorious for sharing adoptees. But no go.

If states would just open sealed records there wouldn’t be all this wasted time.

Does anyone else get lost in stories/lives like this?

doe 10 doe 9

There little eyes and their little frowns. These things just haunt me. I wish I could go back in time and help.

So, We are not Irish and Italian anymore?

Rudy used to be a Reindeer. He lost his antlers, has a floppy neck , and a missing ear. I got him at the airport the day i met my adoptive parents. It was during a day trip that the red headed social worker took me on. The one I never returned from.

Rudy used to be a Reindeer. He lost his antlers, has a floppy neck , and a missing ear. I got him at the airport the day i met my adoptive parents. It was during a day trip that the red headed social worker took me on. The one I never returned from.

After I got the call from my mother stating “the DNA was wrong and I’m not your mother.” (after 13 years) i just simply returned to searching. With possibly bogus non-id info. i tried not to think too much. I dare to a little here and there for only short periods of time for obvious reasons. I have noticed that she is NOT searching which tells me …nothing actually but does make me wonder if she found a better match or one found her.

Basically I’ve lost/killed 3 mothers so far since my birth. My 1st mother died from septicemia caused by a streptococcal infection origin unknown after a full term otherwise healthy pregnancy. Which means she was my first victim/mother. My 2nd (adopted mother) always told me i was killing her before she actually died. When she didn’t, my adopted father, when he wasn’t telling me how I should be grateful and how i blew every chance they gave me at life, told me I was killing her too. Then after searching I was contacted by someone who “had a feeling” and sent a DNA test. My long lost Birth Mom (so we thought). The test said motherhood confirmation. Now we find out there wasn’t enough markers and that test basically said it was possible. Possible like thousands of other folks kind of possible. So i lost her while I was up here taking care of the estate. That’s three. Unless you count the fact that I’ve thought I was adopted twice for years. That’s a different blog though 🙂

So I told my oldest daughter of my plans to do DNA with all the markers available and uploading to registries because I feel that if there aren’t any matches after all these years there isn’t going to be. Perhaps i’ll at least know where I came from if not who. That is when my daughter said “Wait, you mean we are not Irish and Italian anymore now?” I told her “No we are going to have to go back to being German and English once again. At least until the DNA results come in.” We both agreed that we have strong genes. My genes have over ridden any mate I’ve ever had. We shared a good laugh at that but it’s true really. My children and grand children look like me. A lot. I wonder if my mother looked like us too. I may never know. I may never know what prompted my “reunited mom” to decide to question things especially after she finally convinced me. I had plenty of doubts but finally got to where I believed. I wonder when she said to herself “OMG this thing can NOT be mine!” ? Ah well, better late than never. like I keep saying, I’ll be the roots to my family tree.

I don’t feel adoptees should be more grateful than any other child. One doesn’t tell their natural children how they did them a favor by having them so adoptive parents shouldn’t either. It does something to a child especially a female child for some reason. I’ve lived my life a little too grateful. I was grateful a black eye wasn’t a broken leg. I was grateful enough to not go to the doctor for a concern because at least I’m able to walk. I didn’t want to seem spoiled by taking care of myself. The selfishness of it all don’t ya know. I had my children because I WANTED children. Just like adoptive parents Wanted children but some won’t admit. They’d rather feel, state loudly and often that they rescued them. I can remember my mother telling me how she didn’t “just spread her legs” to have me, Why, she picked me out. i’d ask, “out of a line up?” Well, I didn’t just spread my legs to have my kids either Mom, I did all sorts of things in addition to that. lol

4 search angels have pm’d me saying they feel I should get DNA done. I think they are right. Something is wrong with my search info.

I was told for a long time that my natural mother died of a strep throat and to watch my sore throats. (non id did state something very close) I was also told to be on the look out for a Kline/Klein/Cline because my a-dad overheard the social worker talking and she shut up quick when he entered the room. He also told me that my natural mother was married but the guy felt he couldn’t take care of me by himself. (whah whah whah j/k) They were told my natural parents were musically inclined.  (note the cline part of inclined as it might be what he heard while she rehearsed the story lol)

I remember a red haired woman taking me on yet another day trip–this time to an airport. I remember my puppy dog and my teddy that I named Corky and Teddy. They were both all worn out but I loved them. My a parents threw them out soon after as it wasn’t letting me forget, allowing me to hold on to so much of my old life. I remember my new father calling me Susie and saying it sounded enough like Lucy so I wouldn’t be too confused. I remember the red haired woman rushing out the kitchen door and hearing the screen door slam. Before she left me there she had told my new parents that “Soon there will be no memories at all.” I hated that woman lol. I wasn’t so sure about these new people either and where the hell is Johnny and David. Funny I can’t remember who they even were but those names stuck with me. They used to hide me when the paper boy came to collect because somehow I believed he knew where my home was. My new parents tried to give me a bottle and I laughed. They did too and threw it out after I told them “that’s for babies” That social worker told them I may regress and need security. She was right but it took many years for those things to happen 😉 I remember quite a bit of things but some things I can’t tell if they were dreams or movies or what. I don’t try to mention those things much (They’ll go in my book which will certainly be fiction based on fact–I’m not THAT foolish) The dreams and “iffy” memories are doozies as they say.

My non-id from the state of NY states that my mother was 5’4″, hazel eyes, light brown hair, protestant 10th grade factory worker who was 32 at time of my birth and that she died of sepsis in early 1967. No extended family to take me. No info on siblings placement. No info on father. So her life span was approx 1933-1967. It doesn’t actually state where anyone was born. Adoption handled by Onondaga County Social Services in Syracuse NY. It was final December 13, 1968.

My amended BC states my adopted parents name and the city they lived in when I was adopted. They were both born in PA. My birth time was friday 9-30-1966 @7:30 AM and my weight was 8 lbs 2 ozs.

Things that sound true are her having a bunch of kids (I do too) Birth weight (All my kids were over 8 lbs) Eye color about right (all of us have greenish eyes) Hair color (ours are all more of a dirty blonde)

Our Traits, starting with me, are us girls are all 5′ 8″ or more and all my sons are 6′ and over slightly. We all have a little space between our central incisors. We are all creative/artistic. We all have thick hair and most of us have curly kinky hair. We all seem to be thinkers and are (in my case WAS) especially strong. Notably strong where people comment on it.

I feel that the dates and places are off.

I’ve actually looked in the mirror a few times lately saying “Now wait, what is it I look like again?” It’s almost like a doubt. Like when I was little and I wondered if I really existed all over again. Hard to explain.

I was raised alone. It was a really secluded time for me..my childhood. I was always told not to “mingle with outsiders” I got to go to public school where I studied these creatures that I knew where “peers”. I tried to understand them. i did OK. School work was a breeze although i resented being programmed, i was allowed to watch neighborhood kids play outside from the window as I listened to how their parents didn’t care about them and how lucky I was to have parents who cared. I was allowed to get phone calls once in a while but I had to wait as my mother would count out loud “1 2 3” then motion that I could pick up the phone the same time she did (so the other party wouldn’t hear her picking it up) I used to call her “the warden”  It helped me develop a sense of humor. It demanded that I developed one actually. I recall one time asking for permission to scream just once like i hear other kids do. She let me and that was nice of her. We bonded with our goofy sense of humor. I focus on that because I need to. We really had a blast during those chats. I remember a lot.

The truth is I just want to know. That is all. i want to see a photo. Something. Just to know. I never was one to “mingle” and I’m certain I won’t develop some pushy get together type behavior. I truly have never known what it was to have siblings of my very own and I’m a tad too old now to figure out. But it would still be nice to know. To see a photo. They say “get in where you fit in”….I know how to stay out. But it would be nice to peek in. Perhaps a glimpse.

I fit in with the family I created. My children pets and grand children. Even my exes and in laws. I’m content for the most part and I have a lot. I’ve even got a garden and way cool patio furniture lol

I try not to HATE NY state for their stupid sealed records. History is history and truth is truth. Denying it or Lying about it doesn’t change it. It protects no one except crooks and kidnappers to keep the truth of my birth from me. I want to know. This silly idea that my siblings will register with the state registry and they will actually contact me is not likely to happen. It’s been years. If my mother is dead then SHE CAN’T SIGN IT. Are they going to wait until every last one of us are dead? The judge-the social worker-the lawyer are all DEAD. What is the problem? Enough time has passed that they can just simply blame any wrong doing on a dead person. They have no problem with lying, so Give UP my OCB! Chicken $H*ts they are.