So it’s the holidays

i stuck my neck out in order to rule out a potential match or …..not. They didn’t block me at least. But no reply. in fact, no online activity that I know of since I sent the message. I’m like an unskilled and unwilling stalker lol I won’t contact again. I’m trying to be patient. it’s hard when you don’t know if they got the message or not. Yay, Nay, or Hang on and let me check. That is all I need as a reply. If it’s yay then I want PHOTOS or even a photo. I’m truly just after a little knowledge of my birth family. That is all. I’m an introvert.. No problems here when it comes to giving anyone their space. In fact, I don’t even know how to act around a family. My adopted parents didn’t mingle. I think I met a cousin once when I was 3. I have no idea who she belonged to just that I liked her a lot and pushed her down a couple of steps. (different blog lol) I suspect she may have been eyeing my tricycle.

I feel whimpy this holiday season. I’m 1300 miles from home. My house is not being watched or maintained properly and I suspect that my dog Talullah is being picked on and is sad. She goes to the vet tomorrow so I instructed my daughter to pay extra attention to her at the after doc park trip and through treats. I can’t be two places at once.

Family Tree DNA is taking their ol’ sweet time. 1-2 weeks for an eternity. I can barely stand it. I may not have matches there anyways. But I’d like to at least have it out there just by chance there will be one. I hear of people giving up after their results have been posted “too long with no matches”. I feel like screaming “Wait! Mine aren’t there yet!!!”

I’m always happy when I see a reunited family. I see a lot of them and have even helped find a few. Usually they are in mutual search. A lot of times I skim through the search info and say “Oh, they are those people that have names.” Even a correct date would be nice. Sounds funny something so simple. To have a name. I’ve always felt names weren’t important. After all, I’ve never known mine but I’m here. Sort of. I may have never had a name to start with. I have a file set up in case I die before I find out my identity. The search will continue. It has everything needed to continue and hopefully will have things crossed out. It’s hard at this point to even cross anything out. An example would be the last probable match. The person we contacted didn’t know. She did reply however. Not to my email but to a genealogist’s. She (the possible match) didn’t seem too curious either. We moved on, but couldn’t actually cross her out either.

I don’t get it. No one likes surprises in their trees? I love it when I look out the window and see a new baby white squirrel playing with it’s black sibling squirrel in the tree. Cuteness. Adventure. New life. Whatever. I would love to find a new family member—A mystery. Truth.

I’ll be cooking for 3 people and 3 dogs this Thanksgiving. We are keeping it real simple and real good. My middle boy is going over to his half (paternal) brother’s house perhaps for dinner. I told him to go enjoy himself and if offered left overs take the deserts! We have the main course covered. 🙂 It’s hard to cook for only 3. i usually cook for 10 plus who ever stops by. I was thinking of going out for Thanksgiving but then I thought of crowds traffic and the fact I was to be thankful and not regretful.

One thing that hurts my search is newspaper archives. I have clippings all over this house and know what papers they came out of. I search for them online just to check how hard they are to find. I only find half of them. With the article in front of me that I know is there and all the wording, I still can’t find it online. That answers a lot. At work we’d always say “if it’s not written down, it didn’t happen.” We never really covered “If it’s written down, it still may have not happened.” But both statements are somehow true. Unfortunate for my search.

It’s time to stick my neck out again……

have

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Closer or Start over…. Match or another Ruled out

I have 1-2 weeks of waiting on my DNA. It’s killing me 😉 My last possible lead is quite frankly scaring the hell out of me. It’s seems so close to my info. I had to give up looking for fellow adoptees in search as it appears I was the only sibling adopted out. Me. Of course. It also appears I have younger half siblings. If (that tiny word with the HUGE meaning) this lead is on track. It’s at the stage where I have to make some contact. I have to ask someone a question in some extremely careful way if I’m their sister. Or if it’s possible we are connected somehow by a common family member. There will be that question “well who are you, or what is your name?” The answer would be “I don’t know, it’s why I’m contacting you.” Doesn’t sound to good to me either. I feel this lead may be close since I am now scared to death. I’ve learned a lot about other people’s family trees. I feel like a stalker peering into other peoples lives. All the while trying to find my place in it. Like I’m trying to attach myself in some way to someone else’s life. It’s not really in my nature to do this sort of thing. But it is or was or could have been my family too. Or like a few other times, is just a fluke. I can’t rely on my non id to be accurate. It’s already pretty vague. If only it contained exact dates or first names. Just a tad more info would save me from contacting someone with that question that certainly has to be sugar coated. Did your mother have just one more baby before she died in 1967? How in the world do you do this diplomatically? I did reach out to someone and their reply was….no reply at all. Do I cross you off and just move on now? Well, it’s what I did. i’m rehearsing things this time. Such as “funny story to share with you…..you see I had this mother but don’t know her name, she died when yours did in the same locality…I wouldn’t be mentioned in the obits of course because I was a secret.” Sounds like something that gets deleted. Actually in truth, if I were to get such a letter I’d be intrigued. I’d be asking around the family in a quest for truth. But as I have learned time and time again, I am simply not like others in that regard. What could an infant possibly have done to be shunned so? it may turn out to be more like ‘what does this baby represent that is worth running from?” I must tread lightly. Always. I’m scared. If only I could do enough research to rule someone out but I can’t. It is not going to be spelled out in this case. There is no birth announcement for me. Not in the city I was “born in.” Which is actually only the city my adopted parents lived in at the time. My BC has been amended. My life was amended. I was amended. There is a little resemblance I see with one person who would be my oldest sister —if—this is a match. I still don’t know. She is following back on twitter now. Should I tweet something to entice her into reading my story? Would it ring a bell? Would it send me, my twitter and my blog to hell? I have to think on this. I have to rehearse. I will probably say something from the heart. The scared, uncertain, unrehearsed heart. But what?

I’m going to soak in a hot dizzy bubble bath along with my thoughts. When i come out i should have all the answers. But i won’t.. At least the fear will go down the drain as it is not proving useful to me right now. I so do not want to hurt or offend anyone. If this is my family (even if it’s not) I don’t want to cause a family feud or bring up horrible memories.

If this is my family OMG. I am so proud of them. They moved on and lived! I however am just stuck. I know I mustn’t wait for this or that to start living but somehow I do feel like I need to know my past in order to head towards my future. I just want a glimpse. It would explain me being artsy in a world (family) full of applied type stable …hum drum….traditional? Can’t think of the word. It’s a word that I am not. It’s the opposite of true to self. It’s one of those amended words. lol

There are many things about this family that make sense as to my adoption and non id info. There are a few things off too though as far as dates. Just a few. The other family was right on the money (the two families share some surnames in their tree too). Thinking of family trees, both had mystery slots. A birth–no name or follow ups and things such as that. Large gaps in info around the time I was born. September 30, 1966. Upstate NY. Mother died in 1967. Four older siblings. If my non id is incorrect with the very thing I mention to someone they would say “Oh no this is no matched based on ________” Fill in the blank with whatever wrong info the state of New York gave me and that will be the end even if we are family. I’m thinking I should just say “Hey do DNA ’cause it is FUN!” Maybe that will solve the problem except for the obvious reasons it’ wouldn’t lol No one is going to include “mystery baby unknown but given away lost or stolen” in their family trees. Or “Mother went missing fat and came back thin…don’t know why” but that would however make things a lot easier.

Maybe my mother was a hitch hiking artist who went from town to town, got pregnant, gave the child up and went on to the next place. Maybe I was no stranger to life under the big top? Let me give it a try….”Round and round and round she goes, where she stops nobody knows!” “Step right up, don’t be shy…” It’s no use. I’m off to soak 🙂

Empathy

I have got 3 potential leads and the search angel who is helping me says they don’t mean anything yet but to just save info for now. She says there is more to come. I have to say these photos, these stories, these lives just haunt me. I ache and feel helpless as I truly want to go back in time and help. There were some photos that just get me so upset and I feel connected. Not because they are my family, because they obviously all can’t be, but they are people with stories and in some cases extreme heart ache, abandonment and tragedy. I physically hurt as I look in the eyes of some of these people.

One is a woman who died close to where I was adopted. (it’s only assumed I was born in Syracuse–nothing actually states that) and was only a year off in age. She died late 67 instead of early 67. Small differences but as we all know, non-id isn’t always accurate. Her husband seemed devoted and died years later. i tried to follow up on the kids and that is when our eyes met. The son who died not too long ago in his 50’s. His eyes at the camera laying with oxygen on all outdoorsy and gruff looking but with the most beautiful and familiar green eyes. I felt for him as I read his guestbook. He sounded like such an especially kind person. I would’ve been proud to be his sister. But it looks like all the kids are accounted for. Not sure yet. Also it bothers me that this sibling JUST died. All the time wasted if it were my sibling.

The second one is the hardest one. The search was broadened a bit and to focus further back on my mother –grandmother etc. So in 1938 in Kings new york there was a newspaper photo and article. I looked into some family trees etc and found some info. Again this is not a match just something to ponder etc. The photo just killed me. These four girls could easily be part of our family. They would (could’ve) have been my mother and her siblings. This photo is so real. So urgent that I don’t care if they were relatives or not. I hurt for them, It looked like someone just drew perfect frowns on their sweet faces. The one girl, Miriam did die in 1967 at my mother’s age. Means nothing for my search right now. But those photos haunt me. A mother went to a police station to check on her husband’s missing persons report. He had been gone for a year. She excused herself to go to the restroom and didn’t come back. They sent the 4 and 5 year old to one place and put the 18 month old and 2 month old in the hospital. The maternal grandmother did go get them when she heard and later the mother turned herself in and went to the hospital. But that photo! It was a black and white photo and not that clear. But sharp enough to feel the desperate fear. I felt as if a certain fear, a certain trauma, a loss of trust can not just effect you but be passed through generations. There is just something so unsettling to certain incidents. When time stands still. I must be a weirdo because other people just don’t seem to go through these delays. I’m supposed to be picking out info and facts, but instead I imagine these are my families and I hurt for them. I’m supposed to just move on with it so to speak. But I stop and mourn things that probably aren’t mine to mourn. I hope the girls grew up to find happiness.

The third one is a woman in Florida. Her husband’s surname is still there. There is a small write up on the mother but lots more on the father and his side of the family. She was born at the right time and died in early 1967. No cause of death that I could find, but it was after a hospital stay. (Hospital stay could equal sepsis after a child birth) There was little on her people and they were older. Her husband died in 1976. There was a picture of her that looked like there was a pregnant belly. She was on a swing. She didn’t look to be buried with him. She had a child that had died at the age of 15 of huffing. They called it “sniffing”. She had 3 other kids not even listed on her memorial page but shows on her husbands page where she is mentioned as spouse. If I find out this woman is my mother there will be a lot more than slight mention. A lot more flowers. A lot more feeling. It just seems this woman was forgotten and not as notable as her husband. I just felt for her. If this was my mother I’d say the four older siblings were kept and know their names and history. I don’t know yet. But it does make me think that if my story is something like this then DNA may never help as her people are dead and any siblings don’t deal in missing relatives. His people wouldn’t care another words. Or don’t even know somehow. There are some facts in her story that echo in my story as well. She was effected by some of the same things I have been.

I mailed my kit off. I hope something comes of it. I haven’t seen anything on social media and the online registries seem hopeless. Especially the ones that show someone looking for a sibling but in a different state. Like where the lawyer that handled my adoption (or advised my a parents in) was from and later retired to and died. Some of these registries you have to inquire instead of comment so you get an email back –No match because they won’t look outside the box. To me it’s like this. You’ve been looking 30 years and so have other siblings–the dates are within range–then Why Not? It’s more than possible since NY and FL and two other states are notorious for sharing adoptees. But no go.

If states would just open sealed records there wouldn’t be all this wasted time.

Does anyone else get lost in stories/lives like this?

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There little eyes and their little frowns. These things just haunt me. I wish I could go back in time and help.