A little more waiting….

It’s going to take the return of DNA results to verify this family it seems. Totally get it. I do. It seems there is a little worry about sharing things with this adoptee stranger to possibly find out we are not related in the end. Worry of disappointment. I understand, who wants to feel like they exploited themselves without knowing? If they knew me though, they would know I wouldn’t judge anyways. But I understand, they don’t in fact know me. So, we wait until it’s safe to be excited about this. It was mentioned that a sibling wants to see a signed relinquishment paper. Problem there=sealed records are not going to provide that. Family courts don’t work like that to begin with much less when there is an adoption involved. They may be able to get some files if there was an attorney involved on their end, acting as the executor of estate or what have you. Perhaps some papers left in an attic somewhere. Not likely but you never know. Anything short of that, well, there is a reason it is called NON identifying information. If there are names to be found, I sure wouldn’t have access to them.

I’m not sure if we are still going to meet and tread lightly or just wait until the DNA is ready first. I don’t want to be pushy but I also don’t want to seem disinterested either. I’m not sure really how to be. I’ve looked for a long time. I feel a little lost right now but that is OK.

So I had recommended FTDNA to my brother. How long is that again? 6 plus weeks? Maybe I should have just told him ancestry and begged later for him to upload it to gedmatch for tools. At least the initial results wouldn’t take so long. My daughter’s FF took 2 + months. OH lawd! Now what? I guess I just go about my days and give this a rest for now. There is really nothing I can do to actively move this along. I am still looking for a photo of Mom. Can’t find one. I somehow feel that will seal the deal for me. Do I look like her? Maybe someday I will see a photo. Patience. I hope I live long enough to see her.

23andMe is usually the fastest but is a total pain in the neck in NY state. I didn’t want to put him through that. Instead, it seems I’ve put myself through ages of more waiting 🙂

Since the siblings are of the same birth order and dates of birth as my non id and their mother died of the same cause of death at the same time as my mother in the same hospital —I’d say it’s pretty certain. If this is not my family then what? Did the non id just pick someone out of the newspaper obits and jot down those circumstances to me? Because I know there is no way in hell any two people would be born the same year and their husband the same year as stated in my non id and have these identical circumstances. Right down to the rumors they heard that coincides with my non id. We are dealing with a city not a parallel universe here.

I must say this is rather aggravating but such is life ….at times.

I’ve urged them all to sign up for the sibling reunion registry itself. Of course that could take years for a response. But at least it would be a paper type proof for them.

I’m not sure what to do at this point, other than wait…..more.

🙂

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Happy Valentine’s Day

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Now it’s not only Valentine’s Day but a Saturday night. Get off of gedmatch so I can get on lol My cousin from Ancestry who was 10 matches up from my 3rd cousin on FTDNA and Gedmatch, finally uploaded  to gedmatch. She is not ready for one to many (last I knew) but I was able to see some things and compare her to my matches. She doesn’t share as much cM as  I thought she would. So what does that mean? Does it mean that the 10 people between her and my other cousin  are only 1cM apart? Wow Whee. I waited for someone to mail  something off for me. Hmm hmm. And they slow walked me. For WEEKS. Finally, they shipped not only that certain item for me, but their kits that I paid for them to take. Yay. So I will be in all 3 pools plus have a couple of known relatives in there too. Should be very interesting  to see. Ancestry trees are helpful but not nearly as important as FTDNA’s data. I like to see how long a block and how much cM without having to pester and provide tutorials to matches to get them on gedmatch. To an adoptee with no name, it’s vital to see how much a match and I share. The trees on ancestry are good, but would be better if we all were on a huge wiki type tree. DNA attached. Sure there would be blunders here and there. But it would all but sound off buzzers when you actually connected. Finding that MRCA would be a lot easier. I got in huge trouble using member connect on ancestry and also the merge feature. Thought I was being a regular smarty pants. Then…..I had to get rid of some wives and “twins” and mother in laws as siblings and mothers as spouses. That last one was because of the “member connect” who was tripping when they did exactly what I was doing. I got most of it fixed without losing too many legit 2nd and 3rd spouses. But when your eyes start watering and you are nodding out, it’s best to quit any methodology you may be working on. And getting carried away with lol

Chr Start Location End Location Centimorgans (cM) SNPs
3 3533555 7506715 10.5 1445
5 73151031 107169632 32.6 6621

Largest segment = 32.6 cM
Total of segments > 7 cM = 43.0 cM
Estimated number of generations to MRCA = 4.2

Above is my cousin (Female) on ancestry who is next in line after my 2nd cousin. She does not match her and shares no X with me. We have determined that we match through a Moore/Ellsworth of NY. Possibly their son Otis but not his wife a Mahaney.

About 10-15 people down is my ftdna cousin (Male) who has that adopted great grandfather on his mother’s side.

Chr Start Location End Location Centimorgans (cM) SNPs
13 30545353 74577343 43.8 10739

Largest segment = 43.8 cM
Total of segments > 7 cM = 43.8 cM
Estimated number of generations to MRCA = 4.2

He does not share on X either nor does he match my second cousin or my Above cousin.

I can’t wait until my cousin (Female) is ready for one to many so I can do more with the data. I’d like to see where they put her. I wonder why Ancestry put her so fare above the rest? They did this before I had any name that matched or circles. The only 2 circles I have are of people who match on my second cousin’s side. Flint/Hart. that is my Rodman Lewis Reed Patchin Phelps West etc.

I don’t do a lot with my second cousins data because her tree is a contradiction to itself within itself and other’s trees who share ancestors. I don’t know what to believe. Even the census makes it unclear who is who or with who. Tons of servents and borders and name changes (nicknames and typos?) Cousins/nieces lived with inlaws etc. I seem to connect with her on all sides. Makes me wonder if we just “share too much DNA” and not truly that close. Crossed lines so to speak? Quakers with tons of kids. Very difficult. She says she has no clue and that she didn’t research whatever side I’m on. i know I’m on that one side but maybe the other also. There are some Clarks, Wheelers, and Tuttles complicating  things. I have two different Hawkins lines in there also.

Chr Start Location End Location Centimorgans (cM) SNPs
4 16777099 34640744 20.8 3624
5 110660142 122475673 10.5 2686
5 159293063 166764272 9.4 1712
8 18402373 26415074 13.7 2663
9 4080724 22002051 33.9 6305
9 77532718 85911749 12.1 2262
14 32497368 57124732 25.4 5816
14 93508235 96686114 8.7 1304
16 13512559 26879594 21.1 2898
19 53609969 61067752 27.7 2390

Largest segment = 33.9 cM
Total of segments > 7 cM = 183.5 cM
Estimated number of generations to MRCA = 3.1

We Do share on X

Chr Start Location End Location Centimorgans (cM) SNPs
X 3113318 21971664 30.1 2631

Largest segment = 30.1 cM
Total of segments > 7 cM = 30.1 cM Actual.

So I figured since we shared on X that she might get it from her father who gets it from his mother but not his dad and so on. So there is 3 grands But we share a Great. So I went back and said well the x can be from her grandmother but NOT her grandfather and his Dad. But there is the Great grandmother on that side. BUT she feels we are connected through her grandfather’s bro and was wiling to have her 1st cousin (male) test if I paid for it. So I had to think about that X and the fact that I don’t seem to share many surnames on that side. Her  paternal  Grandfather and his Bro got X from the mother(Great) But could not have passed it to her through the Father. Yeah, so I look at my other cousins. It’s a shame as we share a lot of DNA.

I wonder since the two female cousins don’t match each other and one shares X with me and one doesn’t if they share on chromosome 5 on different sides. I feel the second cousin is on my Father’s side (lots of cousins on  this side) and the Other one is on my mother’s side (hardly any cousins on this side). The fella I think is on my father’s side too but too far back to match my second cousin. It seems like it’s on his adopted Great grandfather’s side (hahaha). I have other cousin’s that were convinced I  was on their father’s side but it turns out I was on that side that connects to my second cousin. Again too far back to match her. Rodman.  Always a Rodman lol I found a living Rodman who seemed very interested until I offered to pay for a DNA test for them. Haven’t heard a thing since. Maybe they will surprise me and just appear in my matches one day. I feel we would at least be 1st cousins  or something.

I have a nice big group of cousins who all match on chromo 10. Don’t know what is so special about that place yet.

I’ve sent away for an obit of a person who has very little posted online. She will ruin every theory I have. I don’t know if this is easy to follow or not but here it goes. I’m pretty sure I have those Reed/Rodmans in my DNA. the one suspect to be my grandmother married a Ketcham. Quite a few of his ancestors are in my cousins trees. Looks right. Ketcham father. Possibly mating with a Graham/Peltier Or Rowe (Moore decedent) My mother. Really not sure about that. BUT this person ruins this whole theory because–She is the sister of the Reed of Reed/Rodman AND she married a MOORE. Crap. If she is my grandmother and she connects these two “sides” it ruins everything. Because now we are left needing another “side” Still my mother. This is where my second cousins tree that has two different women down as bio mom of these female sibs destroys my search. It’s important. My mother’s Mother has to have the right haplogroup U5b2c2. How I know these girls  don’t  have that? My second cousin. These girls are her grandmother’s sister’s. If they share her mother (and they should) they are not my haplogroup. Another reason I believe it’s on my father’s side. Anything goes if it’s a male from that side (grandfather). BUt It points to one of these sisters (female Reeds) if NOT a male Rodman.

A search angel that keeps in touch with me and has access to my DNA etc. is concerned about the lack of any sign of my mother. Was I born in Canada? Germany? England? Scotland? Was I born here but she from another country? She is off the grid. All this genealogy going on and no one 1934-1967 in the state of NY who matches at all ever? These older siblings…they don’t remember their mother being prego just a few short months  before she died? If she died in Jan 1967 I was born on the last day of Sept the year prior. I was 3 months old. The sibs were at the very least 2 4 6 and 8. Most likely older. Where they gone? Did they actually die in infancy? Were we all shipped off? Was I the only one shipped off and they never seen their mother prego? Did she die in prison? Was I born in prison? Was I kidnapped? Was my mother told I was stillborn? Did she just die last week? It’s maddening. Traditional search never worked because there were no mutual searchers. At least not with info like mine. I’m disregarded because they are looking for anyone but a female born on September 30, 1966 with a dead mother. I found a fellow born on my birthday but a few years prior in NY. I wrote him (replied through his search query) No response. He just posted the thing. He disregarded me because of non id. Such trust we put in a system who lies to us about everything else. They sealed the  records. What makes us think they felt a need to give us the truth. Why? They are not accountable. Why would  they be when we aren’t to find out the truth anyways? They could tell us any old thing. How would we know? But still, we disregard each other, just the way it was intended.

I wanted to go home. I was too young to know my way. They say my name was Lucinda.

I wanted to go home. I was too young to know my way. They say my name was Lucinda.

Break Time….

I need a little break.

I am to the point that I hesitate to even post on DNA groups because I have to ask myself “What am I even asking?” The answer is Everything. I do read and try to study. The old brain doesn’t comprehend the way I want it to. Part of it is, when I’m online, I’m also cooking, telling small child to get off the dog, getting clothes ready etc etc etc. That is not going to change anytime soon. My concentration and focus will, I hope and soon. 🙂 I know more than I did yesterday but not much when it comes to DNA. I did a segment search on GEDmatch and thought it was just the neatest thing, except I had no idea how to save or analyze the report. I noted who matched on what chromosome then got confused as too how many chromosomes they matched on and how much they matched on each one. I was looking for patterns. I took a look at haplogroups and found some other U5 s. Yeah, I confused myself. I’m doing stuff over my head right now.

When I get like that I go back. it seems logical to just go back to the beginning and try to put things into proportion. My second cousin is going to help after the holidays. She doesn’t want to wreck anyone’s life with the knowledge of my existence. Not being funny here, it’s just the way it is. I know that we share a common great grandparent. Or two g grandparents? I wonder if we only share one grandparent if that would change things? It seems someone perhaps stepped out/cheated. Or did something out of wedlock. Which means we don’t share a set of anything. We are in the same generation. See how my thought process is (lacking)??? So I’m wondering since we are a 204.4 or so cM (ftdna stopped rounding things off) If we are connected by one grandparent and not 2 great grandparents. Can’t get my head around that.

I also did a myorigins search on ftdna while I waited for other matches to appear, my ancestry to post, and my geno 2.0 to transfer. I seen two 2nd – 4th cousins that matched my origins perfectly. On this page you don’t see profiles just their photos and their relationship to you. So, I went back to look for them within my matches so I could look at their trees and read their profile for surnames etc. Ah, they were not there. I went back and re read the origins and the drop down did show them as my matches. For some reason, these two only shared their origins information and not anything else. The myorigins even puts them on the map. They were both in NY, some other state, and in Scandinavia. FTDNA didn’t answer my email nor could find any info on this. It left me wondering how many matches we have that we simply don’t see because of their privacy settings. One I googled and she is into genealogy. It seems she would want to find matches, but maybe that is not the focus of her study. I know there are plenty of people just wanting to know certain things about their DNA and not necessarily wanting to know….people.  No alive new people will be added to their tree lol Perhaps when I die they may add me as an unattached person. A shrub, sapling or sucker to their mighty oak 😉

The geno 2.0 transfer.

I’m not certain what they are transferring since I’ve found out that test is different and wont show up for haplogroup projects. They accepted me to the U5 project but my data won’t post for them because of the testing being different. Great. Kind of defeats the purpose. I had no idea or I would have just got the full mtDNA on Ftdna. I thought because of them being the lab that handled genographic and they did the transfer it covered that. So my haplogoup won’t be searchable/viewable to the project. I was hoping to join a project to find matches within it. I joined anyways and might upgrade someday but not anytime soon. I can’t spare a dime right now. Thanks, Santa lol

I’m learning this all very slowly. I think I’m about to find my birth father. I’m wanting to know who my birth mother was. My online life goes like this–check for new matches on gedmatch, curl my lip a little, play with some tier 1 tools that I don’t understand, (I did understand the family tree projection one and it really helped my brain -but not my eyes following all those lines of possibilities), go to ftdna and hope for new matches, lip curl again, check stupid geno 2.0 transfer, check dnaancestry get mad and rant about hiring more people and working them more hours, look at hints for my pretend tree on ancestry. Find mistakes in other people’s trees and wonder if they want to know lol —compare trees and then I end with at least 30 surnames to put in front of 1933-1967, 1934-1967,1933-1966,1934-1966,1935-1967,1935-1966, then bookmark them all until I have more things to link them to……

My search Angels have all but passed out. I have two. They work in different ways and I try to let them know what the other is doing. One is not a search angel really, she works data bases sort of. The other is more of a genealogist that is learning DNA as well. Me, I’m all over the place but I feel that is needed sometimes. There are tried and true methods in searching, but in my case, they haven’t worked. Both of these people feel that non id info is correct for the most part. I’ve heard that it’s way off a lot of times by reunited adoptees. I question if they are actually reunited with the right person because of my own “match” 14 years ago. I don’t know, but I do know one or two years difference in age or dates can be huge. I know that I have no matches anywhere near Syracuse. A few that may have wondered through though.

I found a woman who had surnames of my matches in her family–she died in 1977 though and her son died in 67 of sepsis – not her. Can I rule her out? Not likely at this point anyways. She was 32 in 1966. There are other people like that with no kids listed but on the grave stone it says “Mother” …yeah. I don’t know what to look for with that because I have found Find a Grave memorials that show where they had 4 or more still births. Are those my “siblings”? Don’t know. Not enough information….ever…

It’s break time or time to break.

I quit a lot of search and reunion groups. Some because I really can’t take some of the cat fights. Some because of the people that expect …..everything. I’d be happy with a name and photo. I really would. I simply do just want to know. I’d be thrilled if there was an alive sibling who wanted to meet, but I would not DEMAND it, nor would I Whine if that isn’t possible. I quit one that just seemed like a huge clique. I’m at the stage in life that I find it hard to welcome negativity with opened arms. I quit some because I was simply on a roll with quitting groups that were non active, people griping or full of spam. I quit one that ignored the hell out of me lol (I kept the friends that I made on there though) I stayed in 2 that actually seem to be keeping up on spam and hate.

Some of the groups have members that think because my mother is supposedly dead that I am not a real adoptee. They feel that because my search isn’t mutual that it’s ridiculous. I do admit that at times, I think they are the ones that are ridiculous….them, with their names and locations and exact dates and their maps to the front doors of their family that scream and post after an hour of searching of how remarkable it was to “find” them. Then their screaming and demanding that they be welcomed and etc etc. Sometimes I want to cyber yell at them “You,you,you NAME PERSON!” lol In all seriousness, I don’t feel this way often or for a long time, but when I’m treated as the one that Actually doesn’t have the right to know, I do feel this way. I’ve had enough people in my life feel that I’m undeserving of anything at all ever, I don’t need to take it from fellow adoptees…or fellow anythings. I don’t dish it out, I don’t want to take it.

Break time…

Right after I check on a few more things. Really, just a few more things.

So it’s the holidays

i stuck my neck out in order to rule out a potential match or …..not. They didn’t block me at least. But no reply. in fact, no online activity that I know of since I sent the message. I’m like an unskilled and unwilling stalker lol I won’t contact again. I’m trying to be patient. it’s hard when you don’t know if they got the message or not. Yay, Nay, or Hang on and let me check. That is all I need as a reply. If it’s yay then I want PHOTOS or even a photo. I’m truly just after a little knowledge of my birth family. That is all. I’m an introvert.. No problems here when it comes to giving anyone their space. In fact, I don’t even know how to act around a family. My adopted parents didn’t mingle. I think I met a cousin once when I was 3. I have no idea who she belonged to just that I liked her a lot and pushed her down a couple of steps. (different blog lol) I suspect she may have been eyeing my tricycle.

I feel whimpy this holiday season. I’m 1300 miles from home. My house is not being watched or maintained properly and I suspect that my dog Talullah is being picked on and is sad. She goes to the vet tomorrow so I instructed my daughter to pay extra attention to her at the after doc park trip and through treats. I can’t be two places at once.

Family Tree DNA is taking their ol’ sweet time. 1-2 weeks for an eternity. I can barely stand it. I may not have matches there anyways. But I’d like to at least have it out there just by chance there will be one. I hear of people giving up after their results have been posted “too long with no matches”. I feel like screaming “Wait! Mine aren’t there yet!!!”

I’m always happy when I see a reunited family. I see a lot of them and have even helped find a few. Usually they are in mutual search. A lot of times I skim through the search info and say “Oh, they are those people that have names.” Even a correct date would be nice. Sounds funny something so simple. To have a name. I’ve always felt names weren’t important. After all, I’ve never known mine but I’m here. Sort of. I may have never had a name to start with. I have a file set up in case I die before I find out my identity. The search will continue. It has everything needed to continue and hopefully will have things crossed out. It’s hard at this point to even cross anything out. An example would be the last probable match. The person we contacted didn’t know. She did reply however. Not to my email but to a genealogist’s. She (the possible match) didn’t seem too curious either. We moved on, but couldn’t actually cross her out either.

I don’t get it. No one likes surprises in their trees? I love it when I look out the window and see a new baby white squirrel playing with it’s black sibling squirrel in the tree. Cuteness. Adventure. New life. Whatever. I would love to find a new family member—A mystery. Truth.

I’ll be cooking for 3 people and 3 dogs this Thanksgiving. We are keeping it real simple and real good. My middle boy is going over to his half (paternal) brother’s house perhaps for dinner. I told him to go enjoy himself and if offered left overs take the deserts! We have the main course covered. 🙂 It’s hard to cook for only 3. i usually cook for 10 plus who ever stops by. I was thinking of going out for Thanksgiving but then I thought of crowds traffic and the fact I was to be thankful and not regretful.

One thing that hurts my search is newspaper archives. I have clippings all over this house and know what papers they came out of. I search for them online just to check how hard they are to find. I only find half of them. With the article in front of me that I know is there and all the wording, I still can’t find it online. That answers a lot. At work we’d always say “if it’s not written down, it didn’t happen.” We never really covered “If it’s written down, it still may have not happened.” But both statements are somehow true. Unfortunate for my search.

It’s time to stick my neck out again……

have

So, We are not Irish and Italian anymore?

Rudy used to be a Reindeer. He lost his antlers, has a floppy neck , and a missing ear. I got him at the airport the day i met my adoptive parents. It was during a day trip that the red headed social worker took me on. The one I never returned from.

Rudy used to be a Reindeer. He lost his antlers, has a floppy neck , and a missing ear. I got him at the airport the day i met my adoptive parents. It was during a day trip that the red headed social worker took me on. The one I never returned from.

After I got the call from my mother stating “the DNA was wrong and I’m not your mother.” (after 13 years) i just simply returned to searching. With possibly bogus non-id info. i tried not to think too much. I dare to a little here and there for only short periods of time for obvious reasons. I have noticed that she is NOT searching which tells me …nothing actually but does make me wonder if she found a better match or one found her.

Basically I’ve lost/killed 3 mothers so far since my birth. My 1st mother died from septicemia caused by a streptococcal infection origin unknown after a full term otherwise healthy pregnancy. Which means she was my first victim/mother. My 2nd (adopted mother) always told me i was killing her before she actually died. When she didn’t, my adopted father, when he wasn’t telling me how I should be grateful and how i blew every chance they gave me at life, told me I was killing her too. Then after searching I was contacted by someone who “had a feeling” and sent a DNA test. My long lost Birth Mom (so we thought). The test said motherhood confirmation. Now we find out there wasn’t enough markers and that test basically said it was possible. Possible like thousands of other folks kind of possible. So i lost her while I was up here taking care of the estate. That’s three. Unless you count the fact that I’ve thought I was adopted twice for years. That’s a different blog though 🙂

So I told my oldest daughter of my plans to do DNA with all the markers available and uploading to registries because I feel that if there aren’t any matches after all these years there isn’t going to be. Perhaps i’ll at least know where I came from if not who. That is when my daughter said “Wait, you mean we are not Irish and Italian anymore now?” I told her “No we are going to have to go back to being German and English once again. At least until the DNA results come in.” We both agreed that we have strong genes. My genes have over ridden any mate I’ve ever had. We shared a good laugh at that but it’s true really. My children and grand children look like me. A lot. I wonder if my mother looked like us too. I may never know. I may never know what prompted my “reunited mom” to decide to question things especially after she finally convinced me. I had plenty of doubts but finally got to where I believed. I wonder when she said to herself “OMG this thing can NOT be mine!” ? Ah well, better late than never. like I keep saying, I’ll be the roots to my family tree.

I don’t feel adoptees should be more grateful than any other child. One doesn’t tell their natural children how they did them a favor by having them so adoptive parents shouldn’t either. It does something to a child especially a female child for some reason. I’ve lived my life a little too grateful. I was grateful a black eye wasn’t a broken leg. I was grateful enough to not go to the doctor for a concern because at least I’m able to walk. I didn’t want to seem spoiled by taking care of myself. The selfishness of it all don’t ya know. I had my children because I WANTED children. Just like adoptive parents Wanted children but some won’t admit. They’d rather feel, state loudly and often that they rescued them. I can remember my mother telling me how she didn’t “just spread her legs” to have me, Why, she picked me out. i’d ask, “out of a line up?” Well, I didn’t just spread my legs to have my kids either Mom, I did all sorts of things in addition to that. lol

4 search angels have pm’d me saying they feel I should get DNA done. I think they are right. Something is wrong with my search info.

I was told for a long time that my natural mother died of a strep throat and to watch my sore throats. (non id did state something very close) I was also told to be on the look out for a Kline/Klein/Cline because my a-dad overheard the social worker talking and she shut up quick when he entered the room. He also told me that my natural mother was married but the guy felt he couldn’t take care of me by himself. (whah whah whah j/k) They were told my natural parents were musically inclined.  (note the cline part of inclined as it might be what he heard while she rehearsed the story lol)

I remember a red haired woman taking me on yet another day trip–this time to an airport. I remember my puppy dog and my teddy that I named Corky and Teddy. They were both all worn out but I loved them. My a parents threw them out soon after as it wasn’t letting me forget, allowing me to hold on to so much of my old life. I remember my new father calling me Susie and saying it sounded enough like Lucy so I wouldn’t be too confused. I remember the red haired woman rushing out the kitchen door and hearing the screen door slam. Before she left me there she had told my new parents that “Soon there will be no memories at all.” I hated that woman lol. I wasn’t so sure about these new people either and where the hell is Johnny and David. Funny I can’t remember who they even were but those names stuck with me. They used to hide me when the paper boy came to collect because somehow I believed he knew where my home was. My new parents tried to give me a bottle and I laughed. They did too and threw it out after I told them “that’s for babies” That social worker told them I may regress and need security. She was right but it took many years for those things to happen 😉 I remember quite a bit of things but some things I can’t tell if they were dreams or movies or what. I don’t try to mention those things much (They’ll go in my book which will certainly be fiction based on fact–I’m not THAT foolish) The dreams and “iffy” memories are doozies as they say.

My non-id from the state of NY states that my mother was 5’4″, hazel eyes, light brown hair, protestant 10th grade factory worker who was 32 at time of my birth and that she died of sepsis in early 1967. No extended family to take me. No info on siblings placement. No info on father. So her life span was approx 1933-1967. It doesn’t actually state where anyone was born. Adoption handled by Onondaga County Social Services in Syracuse NY. It was final December 13, 1968.

My amended BC states my adopted parents name and the city they lived in when I was adopted. They were both born in PA. My birth time was friday 9-30-1966 @7:30 AM and my weight was 8 lbs 2 ozs.

Things that sound true are her having a bunch of kids (I do too) Birth weight (All my kids were over 8 lbs) Eye color about right (all of us have greenish eyes) Hair color (ours are all more of a dirty blonde)

Our Traits, starting with me, are us girls are all 5′ 8″ or more and all my sons are 6′ and over slightly. We all have a little space between our central incisors. We are all creative/artistic. We all have thick hair and most of us have curly kinky hair. We all seem to be thinkers and are (in my case WAS) especially strong. Notably strong where people comment on it.

I feel that the dates and places are off.

I’ve actually looked in the mirror a few times lately saying “Now wait, what is it I look like again?” It’s almost like a doubt. Like when I was little and I wondered if I really existed all over again. Hard to explain.

I was raised alone. It was a really secluded time for me..my childhood. I was always told not to “mingle with outsiders” I got to go to public school where I studied these creatures that I knew where “peers”. I tried to understand them. i did OK. School work was a breeze although i resented being programmed, i was allowed to watch neighborhood kids play outside from the window as I listened to how their parents didn’t care about them and how lucky I was to have parents who cared. I was allowed to get phone calls once in a while but I had to wait as my mother would count out loud “1 2 3” then motion that I could pick up the phone the same time she did (so the other party wouldn’t hear her picking it up) I used to call her “the warden”  It helped me develop a sense of humor. It demanded that I developed one actually. I recall one time asking for permission to scream just once like i hear other kids do. She let me and that was nice of her. We bonded with our goofy sense of humor. I focus on that because I need to. We really had a blast during those chats. I remember a lot.

The truth is I just want to know. That is all. i want to see a photo. Something. Just to know. I never was one to “mingle” and I’m certain I won’t develop some pushy get together type behavior. I truly have never known what it was to have siblings of my very own and I’m a tad too old now to figure out. But it would still be nice to know. To see a photo. They say “get in where you fit in”….I know how to stay out. But it would be nice to peek in. Perhaps a glimpse.

I fit in with the family I created. My children pets and grand children. Even my exes and in laws. I’m content for the most part and I have a lot. I’ve even got a garden and way cool patio furniture lol

I try not to HATE NY state for their stupid sealed records. History is history and truth is truth. Denying it or Lying about it doesn’t change it. It protects no one except crooks and kidnappers to keep the truth of my birth from me. I want to know. This silly idea that my siblings will register with the state registry and they will actually contact me is not likely to happen. It’s been years. If my mother is dead then SHE CAN’T SIGN IT. Are they going to wait until every last one of us are dead? The judge-the social worker-the lawyer are all DEAD. What is the problem? Enough time has passed that they can just simply blame any wrong doing on a dead person. They have no problem with lying, so Give UP my OCB! Chicken $H*ts they are.